"Hobbes, did you hear? Mom and Dad are taking us camping! We get to live in a tent and go fishing and canoeing! Won't that be fun? We'll be roughing it! Living off the land! No TV or radio or ... uh-oh. What's wrong? This sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build my character. Calvin cheerily tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad are taking them camping. He says they'll live in a tent, go fishing and canoeing. He thinks that will be fun. He goes on to say there'll be no TV, no radio. They'll be living off the land. Then he stops and decides this sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build his character."
"Gosh, this is going to be a fun vacation! Camping out! Wow! I can't wait to get there! A whole week hiking and canoeing and swimming and fishing! A whole week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of real coffee. Doesn't Mom like camping? Mom was up a little too late packing. Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing."
"See that island ahead? That's where we're camping! Oh boy! Ahh, this is the life! Fresh air, clean water, lots of exercise, and ... boom! Dear, you're back-paddling. We're turning around and finding a hotel! As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel."
"When's this rain going to let up? I don't know, Calvin. Hey, cheer up gang! I packed storm gear. 'Always be prepared.' You know. These ponchos are super. They're thermal-sealed lightweight nylon, laminated with flexible urethane for complete water protection! Yeah, Dad, it's great that we won't get wetter than we already are. Zinc oxide, thongs, tanning lotion ... wrong duffel bag. Let's see, which one of these was it? Calvin asks when the rain is going to let up. Mom doesn't know. Dad says to cheer up, he's brought storm gear. He talks about how great the ponchos are, what they're made of, and how they'll be protected from the rain. Calvin thinks it's great they won't get any wetter than they already are. Dad is still looking for the storm gear. He finds the duffel bag with sun tanning lotion."
"I'm glad Dad finally got the tents up. Now I can get out of these soggy clothes. Too bad you can't put on dry clothes. You'd feel a lot better. Hey, wait! No! Don't do that here! Ackpth! Calvin is glad Dad got the tents set up. He is getting out of his wet clothes. He tells Hobbes it's too bad he can't put on dry clothes. Hobbes arches his back while Calvin yells for him not to do that in the tent. Hobbes shakes the water from his coat, resoaking Calvin."
"Some trooper you are! What's a little rain? This is what being in the wilderness is all about! Ha ha! At least it's not snowing, right? Right? I mean, say it was snowing so hard we couldn't make a fire. Boy, I love cold canned ravioli. Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says 'Right?'. Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli."
"Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy, this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course, it's still raining. It's been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! We're going to need a vacation after this vacation. I'll say! We can't even keep a fire going. I can't believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? He's a fanatic! Either that or we're al out of packaged food. We'll probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. If we live to get home, I'm never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish? Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish."
"How's the water? Freezing. I'm coming out. Hand me my towel. Ok? Wring wring. This is the dumbest vacation I've ever been on. Calvin is swimming in the lake as rain continues to fall. Hobbes is on shore in a raincoat. He asks Calvin how the water is. Calvin tells his it's freezing. He has Hobbes hand him a towel. He wrings it out, then starts to dry himself as the rain continues to fall. As they walk back in the rain, Calvin says this is the dumbest vacation he's ever been on."
"It has been very buggy week, has it? You're really reaching, Dad. Calvin and Dad are fishing in the boat as the rain continues to fall. Dad says it hasn't been very buggy this week. Calvin tells him he's really reaching."
"We're packing up! Yep. I've had enough what a rotten week! Wap! Do you know what any of Dad's words meant? No, but I wrote some of them down so we can look 'em up when we get home. Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home."
"Well, gang, I'm sorry the weather wasn't any better this week. I know it wasn't always a lot of fun, but we lived through it, and we got ot spend some time together and that's what's really important. Anyway, I hope you're all not too disappointed. Calvin, tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad, Mom says ... All right! All right! Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce."
"Dad, can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax, Dad. It's just a ball in the gutter, it's not as if I've been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Aren't you glad I'm not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context. Calvin asks Dad to get the ball down from the gutter again. Dad says this is the third time today. He had told Calvin to play out back. Calvin tells Dad to relax. It's only a ball in the gutter. He hasn't been embezzling money or killing people. Calvin always has to help Dad establish the proper context."
"C'mon Hobbes. Let down the rope ladder. What's the rest of the password? I think five verses extolling tigers is plenty. You know it's me! Let me up! No. ooh, why you lousy rotten, stinking ... If you call me names, you have to start over at the beginning. Verse six: 'Tigers are nimble and light on their toes, my respect for tigers continually grows.' You're not doing the dance. Calvin yells up to Hobbes in the tree fort to let down the rope ladder. Hobbes insists Calvin give the rest of the password. Calvin thinks five verses extolling tigers is enough. Hobbes won't do it. Calvin starts calling him names, and Hobbes tells him he'll have to start over with the password if he continues. So Calvin goes through verse six. Hobbes tells him he's not doing the dance."
"Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum, he breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy, Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering one's mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas, it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin, the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! He's saved! It's a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh, he does, Mom, he does. Calvin sneezes and flies into the stratosphere. He breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls out past the moon. As he passes out of the galaxy, he realizes the importance of covering one's mouth to defect the propulsion. That knowledge comes too late for Calvin, the human satellite. Wait, he feels another sneeze coming so he turns himself around. The second sneeze rockets him back to earth. He's safe. Mom tells Calvin 'God bless you'. Calvin replies 'He does'."
"How come you're still home? Why aren't you at work? I took the day off. Say, Dad, can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as I'm through with it. Gosh Dad, I'd sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why don't you read the editorials? 'New dad wanted. Frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must, ask for Calvin during normal work hours.' Calvin asks Dad why he's still home. Dad tells him he took the day off. Calvin looks horrified. He asks to see the classified section of the newspaper. Dad tells him he can have it when he's done. Calvin wants to see it right away and asks Dad if he'd rather read the editorials. Dad starts reading an ad. New Dad wanted, frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must. Contact Calvin during normal work hours."
"I don't wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity. Calvin yells that he doesn't want to take a bath. He hates taking baths. He runs yelling down the hall. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he yells 'no' over and over. He's finally in the tub. He says they can make him do it, but they can't make him do it with dignity."
Rats. I can't tell my gum from my silly putty. Calvin reaches into his pocket and pulls out something sticky. It gets all over his hands. He says he can't tell his gum from his Silly Putty.
(NO TEXT) jump rope stumble Calvin is jumping rope. He goes faster and faster. Hobbes comes up behind him with a stick in his hands. He puts the stick in the way of Calvin's jump rope and he gets all tangled up.
"I'm never gonna get married are you? Hmm ... I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'pooty pie'. Pooty pie?? Or 'Bitsy Pookums.' I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart. 'Bitsy Pookums.' I'd say 'Yes Snoogy Woogy.' She'd reply ... Calvin tells Hobbes he's never going to get married. Hobbes thinks he would, if the right person came along. Hobbes is looking for someone with green eyes, a nice laugh, and that he can call 'pooty pie'. Either that or 'bitsy pookums'. Calvin thinks that would affect his stomach more than his heart."
"There (pant) see? I ... I tried it. (cough) It almost (wheeze) killed ... me. Encore. Bravo. I'm going to run away to Alaska. Calvin has his dinner on the plate. He stabs it with his fork, makes funny faces at it, sniffs it, tastes it, acts like it's gagging him, takes a drink, shakes his head trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He finally says he tried it, and it almost killed him. Mom and Dad applaud, saying 'Bravo' and 'Encore'. Calvin thinks he should run away to Alaska."
"Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh. Calvin wants to know if Hobbes wants to go time traveling with him. He has built a time machine. It's a box with 'time machine' written on the side. Hobbes says it looks like his transmogrifier. Calvin says it does 'to the inattentive, brainless layman'. He points out that you crawl in the bottom of the transmogrifier, whereas you crawl in the top of the time machine."
"Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well, I suppose if we went into the past, I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is, then! Right. Once I'm rich, I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests! Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim" they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.
"OK, Hobbes, our time machine is all set, put on your goggles and we'll be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez, do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! We've got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh, I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If I'm not back in a couple of minutes, you can go without me. Sit down, sissy. I already got your goggles. Calvin tells Hobbes to put on his goggles, and they'll be ready to go. Hobbes wants to know why he needs goggles. Calvin explains time travel is not like driving down the street. There are vortexes and light speeds to contend with. Anything could go wrong. Of course they need goggles. Hobbes tries to get out by saying his goggles are in the bedroom. He tells Calvin to leave without him if he isn't back in a couple minutes. Calvin tells him to sit down. He has Hobbes' goggles."
"All ready? I'll just push the button and off we go into the future! Up, up and awaayyy! We're approaching light speed Hobbes! Hang on! I have to go to the bathroom. Now?! In hyperspace?! Are you crazy?! Calvin pushes the button and off they go. Up, up and away. They approach light speed. Hobbes has to go to the bathroom. Now? Calvin can't believe it. He tells Hobbes they're in hyperspace. Is Hobbes crazy?"
"What year in the future are we going to land? It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but I'd say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol' earth is still around then. I've grown fond of it. If not, we'll return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash. Hobbes wonders what year in the future they'll land. Calvin thinks it will be around the turn of the century. Hobbes hopes the earth is still around then, he's gotten attached to it. Calvin says if it isn't, he's going back to the present to see if Dad will give him his college tuition early in cash."
Hang on! We're coming in! screeechhh! Wow! So this is the future! I kinda pictured more buildings. Maybe we landed in an aboretum. They're coming in for a landing. They look around. So this is the future. It looks like they're on a tropical beach. Hobbes pictured more buildings. Calvin guesses they may have landed in an arboretum.
"You know, some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh, hush we'll find our way home. You don't remember any of this? Nope, we're sure lost this time. If I had known we weren't going to find our way home, I'd have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. We'd better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes, living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! We'll be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey, isn't that our back yard? Why, so it is. I don't care how long you'll be gone, I'm only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles? Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles."
"Let's have a look around I'm sure we'll run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh, I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod, I'd guess. I wonder how you get in? I don't see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color? Calvin climbs out of his time machine. They're going to look around. They'll probably run into a robot or something. Hobbes picks up something egg-shaped. Calvin thinks it's some type of transportation pod. Hobbes can't figure out how to get in it. Calvin notices there are no numbers or doors on it. As Calvin ponders the peculiar item, Hobbes asks if Calvin has ever seen a tree this color. He's looking at what appears to be a giant leg."
"I must say, the future is quite a bit different than I expected. This breeze is so hot and muggy. I figured they'd be able to control the weather by now. The air stinks, too. I guess there's still pollution. Ever feel as if you're being monitored? ... or that you're about to do a double-take?"