"So exactly how would you like the back cut? Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little. Wouldn't you rather have it real short? No, just cut a little bit. Are you sure? Don't you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short. Are you trying to tell me something? No, I just think it should be real short. Especially, oh, right here. Hobbes asks Calvin how he wants the hair cut in the back. Calvin tells him, but Hobbes wonders if he wouldn't rather have it real short. Calvin says no, but Hobbes insists the hair would look good real short. Calvin asks if Hobbes is trying to tell him something. Hobbes replies no, but that he thinks it should be real short....especially right there."
"You made a mistake didn't you? No, I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing, I can't help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your head's gonna have 'funny bumps' in a minute if you don't tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Why'd you say 'oops'?! what'd you do now?! Nothing. Let's try parting your hair from ear to ear. Calvin asks Hobbes if he made a mistake. Hobbes says no, he can cover it up. Calvin wants to know what he's covering up. Hobbes says he can't help it if Calvin's head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Calvin yells that Hobbes' head is going to have funny bumps if he doesn't tell him what he did. Hobbes replies 'oops'. Now, Calvin wants to know why Hobbes said 'oops'. Hobbes decides to try parting the hair from ear to ear."
"This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. You'll love it. It's kind of 'new wave'. New wave? Like how? Well, sort of 'punk' actually. Like a mohawk? In some places it's sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know what's the rage this year? ... hats. Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of 'new wave'. Hobbes further explains that it's sort of 'punk'. Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year."
"Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Get away from me, you menace! If Mom sees this, she'll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? How's that? Sort of the 'Lawrence of Arabia' look! Sort of the 'Lobotomy Patient' look. Calvin looks in the mirror and is horrified. All his hair is chopped down. He says it looks like it was cut with a weed-eater. Hobbes thinks it's nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Calvin runs away, calling Hobbes a menace. Calvin figures Mom will blow her blood vessels if she sees his hair like that. He wonders what to do. Hobbes puts a bandanna on Calvin's head. He thinks it gives Calvin the 'Lawrence of Arabia' look. Calvin thinks it gives him the 'lobotomy patient' look."
"My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me. Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. It's not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case. Calvin is in a 1940's detective outfit in his office. He's Tracer Bullet, private eye. The door opens, and in walks trouble...a brunette. Mom tells Calvin to take off his hat at the dinner table. Calvin thinks she's a pushy dame, but she has a case."
"This is supposed to be great art. ... so why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? A strange feeling comes over Calvin in the art museum. His parents, engrossed in culture, remain blissfully unaware of Calvin's terrible transformation! Yes, a tyrannosaurus is loose in the art museum! The curator shrieks and pandemonium ensues! A guard reaches for his pistol, but the dinosaur is upon him and he is messily devoured! The giant lizard's glory is captured forever on film by the anti-theft cameras! Patrons of the arts flee for their lives!"
"Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. Here comes the hurricane. You cut your hair!! No I didn't Hobbes did. Why on earth did you cut your own hair?! Look at you! I said Hobbes cut it! You think I'd do this?? Well I didn't! Mom tells Calvin to remove his hat. He takes it off, and Mom shrieks that 'You cut your hair!'. Calvin says that he didn't, but that Hobbes did. Mom wants to know why he cut his own hair. Calvin reiterates that Hobbes cut his hair. He asks if she thinks he'd do that to himself. Mom gets an 'of course I do' look on her face. Calvin then yells 'Well, I didn't!'"
"Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?! Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark."
"Look, I'm sorry I gave you a bad haircut. I didn't mean to. A fat lot of good that does me. I can make it up to you. Honest. Yeah? How? I bought a yellow magic marker. See, I'll just draw some hair on, there, it's looking better already. Really? Is it? Hobbes tells Calvin he didn't mean to give him a bad haircut. Calvin says that doesn't do him any good, but Hobbes says he can make it up to him. Hobbes has a yellow magic marker. Hobbes tells him he'll just draw on some hair. As he does, he says it's starting to look better already."
"Well, your hair doesn't stick up the way it used to, but at least your head's yellow again. Thanks, Hobbes. you're a real life saver. I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy, wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on, just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok? Hobbes tells Calvin that his hair doesn't stick up like it used to, but at least his head's yellow again. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes for getting so mad at him. He thanks Hobbes and calls him a life saver. Calvin proudly walks off to show Mom his colored head. Calvin is in the bath tub with his head lathered up. Hobbes wonders if it will come off. Calvin tells him to keep his brainy ideas to himself from now on."
"Calvin. Calvin the Genius. Calvin the Super Genius. This is how you sign your reports? It kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think? Calvin is sitting at his desk writing. He writes 'Calvin the Genius'. Then, he adds the word 'Super' before 'Genius'. Hobbes asks if that's how he signs his reports. Calvin replies that it kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?"
"Clink. Clink. My iced tea is a failure. Calvin puts some ice cubes in a glass. He then places a tea bag in the glass. He looks at it, then declares his iced tea is a failure."
"Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isn't it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Let's go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? It's easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and we'll time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh, what do you" "suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds, maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey, we're at the bottom of the hill. I didn't feel any time warp, did you? Nope. But look! It's two minutes later than when we started! We're in the future!! Hmm ... things haven't improved. I'm disappointed. Calvin is in his wagon at the top of the hill. He tells Hobbes they should go down the hill and into the future. Hobbes asks how they'll do that. Calvin says that it's easy. All they have to do is go real fast and they'll time warp. Down they go, faster and faster. Hobbes wonders what the future will look like. Calvin thinks flying cars and cities on clouds. He tells Hobbes to think of the weird things they can tell people they saw. They reach the bottom of the hill, but neither of them felt any time warp. Calvin notices that it's two minutes later than when they started, so they did go into the future. Hobbes looks around and says things haven't improved, and that he's disappointed."
"Goodness, you're filthy. Into the tub with you. I obey the letter of the law, if not the spirit. Let's hear some water running! Nuts. Calvin is dirty as he walks in the door. Mom tells him to get into the tub. Calvin obeys the letter of the law, if not its spirit. Mom yells up that she wants to hear some water running. Calvin, fully clothed, crawls back out of the tub so he can put some water in it."
I'm home! Yaaaaa! Aaaugh! Yowp! Arrgh! Yip! (pant pant) Why do you always do that?! Natural exuberance is one of those qualities that makes us tigers so darn endearing! Calvin walks in the door yelling that he's home. Hobbes pounces on him. They wrestle around on the floor. Calvin asks Hobbes why he does that. Hobbes replies that natural exuberance is one of the qualities that makes tigers so endearing.
"I'm home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time, point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger. Calvin yells that he's home as he dives to the floor. Hobbes flies over Calvin and out the front door. As Hobbes crashes outside, he yells that he fooled Hobbes. As he walks off thinking Hobbes is a stupid tiger, Hobbes comes leaping back in the front door. Hobbes is thinking his elapsed time for a turnaround is point eight seconds as he nears Calvin's back."
"I'm home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ... Calvin yells that he's home as he waves his hand into the house. Nothing happens. He peeks in and says 'Hello?'. Nothing happens. He tiptoes into the house calling Hobbes' name. Hobbes' paws are on the edge of the front door. He's been standing behind it all along. He begins a mental countdown to pounce on the unsuspecting Calvin."
"I'm home. I'm home. I'm home! Wellll? So you're home. Calvin peeks in the front door and says he's home. He steps in the house and says he's home in a louder voice. He walks through the house yelling that he's home. Hobbes is sitting in bed, reading a comic book. Calvin yells 'WELL??'. Hobbes replies 'So you're home'."
"Calvin steps up to the plate and the outfield heads for the bleachers. It's sure to be another homer folks. Here's the pitch! Bonk! Not surprisingly the pitcher decides to walk Calvin. Calvin has a bat and ball and announces that he's stepping to the plate. The outfield heads to the bleachers. It's sure to be another home run. Calvin tosses the ball up. There's the pitch. BONK! The ball hits Calvin on the head. He wobbles along, saying the pitcher has decided to walk Calvin."
"Before beginning any home plumbing repair, make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy explitives and see that you know how to use them. Calvin wakes up one morning to find he no longer exists in the third dimension! He is in 2-D! Thinner than a sheet of paper, Calvin has no surface area on the bottom of his feet! He is immobile! Only by waving his body can Calvin create enough friction with the ground to move! Having width but no thickness, Calvin is vulnerable to the slightest gust of wind! To avoid drafts, he twists himself into a tube, and rolls across the floor! Someone is coming! Calvin quickly stands up straight. Turning perfectly sideways, he is nearly invisible vertical line! No one will notice! Hey, Dad, know why you didn't see me all morning?? I was two-dimensional! Hmmm, I'll bet you can't do it all afternoon, too ... dear! Calvin finds himself no longer in the third dimension. He's only 2D. He's thin as a sheet of paper. His feet have no surface area. Only by waving his body along the ground can he generate enough friction to move. But having"
"I couldn't read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill. Calvin is lying in bed reading his school book. Suddenly, he floats into the air. Everything in his room is floating around. He tells his teacher he couldn't read his assignment because his parents forgot to pay the gravity bill."
"Make a prediction Hobbes. what for? So we can see if you have ESP. Ok, I predict you'll find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Ha ha. You stay away from me. It's going to come true! I can feel it! Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin asks Hobbes to make a prediction. Hobbes asks why, and Calvin replies so they can see if he has ESP. Hobbes thinks and says that Calvin will find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Calvin looks behind himself and sees a mud hole. He tells Hobbes to stay away from him. With a smile on his face, Hobbes comes closer with his paws out. He says it's going to come true, he can feel it."
"Hey Dad, how does a carburetor work? I can't tell you. Why not? It's a secret. No it isn't! you just don't know! Dad is washing the car, and Calvin asks how a carburetor works. Dad tells him he can't tell him. When Calvin asks why not, Dad says it's a secret. Calvin yells that it is not, that Dad just doesn't know."
"This is a job for ... aackk! Waaughhh!! For? ... someone else. Calvin, wearing a cape, says 'This is a job for...' and starts to pull his cape around himself. It gets stuck. Then it trips him, and he crashes to the floor. Hobbes asks 'for...?'. Calvin, completely wrapped up in his cape, says 'someone else'."
"Time for bed, Calvin. It's a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists! Mom tells Calvin that it's time for bed. Calvin replies that it's a free country, and he'll do what he wants. Mom puts him to bed and walks off. Calvin yells 'Communists!'."
"Oh no, I have to go to the bathroom! The monsters will get me as soon as I set foot on the floor! I know! Put your pillow down as a decoy. While they're eating that, you can slip out! Great idea! I'm coming out of bed now! I'm coming out of bed now! Here I am, all fat and squishy! They took it! Man, look at those feathers fly! You'd better hurry! No, I've decided to stay here and wet the bed. But it's ok with me if you don't want to stay. Calvin wakes up during the night and has to go to the bathroom. He knows the monsters will get him when he sets foot on the floor. Hobbes suggests putting a pillow on the floor as a decoy, then slipping out while the monsters eat the pillow. Calvin puts the pillow down and says coming out of bed, all fat and squishy. Feathers fly up as Hobbes tells him to look at the feathers fly. He tells Calvin he better hurry. Calvin hides under the blanket and says he's decided to stay and wet the bed. It's okay with Calvin if Hobbes doesn't want to stay."
"Croquet is a gentleman's game. That's hard to believe. I've played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey, don't put the wickets so far apart. This is the way they're supposed to be. No it isn't, you big cheater. You're doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasn't looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! That's a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, you're just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! You're asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldn't knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquito's don't even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you, I'm Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose, you walking flea condo! I'd say it takes one to know one bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor! It's getting dark, Calvin. C'mon inside! Aw Mom, we're right in the middle of a croquet game! Calvin tells Hobbes not to put the croquet wickets so far apart. Hobbes says that's the way they're supposed to be. Calvin calls him a cheater. Hobbes asks who took the lucky red ball when Hobbes wasn't looking. Calvin tells him he got to choose first. Hobbes replies that he always takes the lucky red ball. Calvin calls Hobbes a poop head and sticks his tongue out. Hobbes yells that Calvin is a potty mouth. Calvin comes at Hobbes saying he's looking at a toothless mouth. They start fighting as they continue to insult one another. Hobbes is called a walking flea condo."
"Bombarded by high-energy photons, Calvin is transformed into a living x-ray. Although this condition will facilitate future medical diagnoses, it does make Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal! Everyone can see Calvin's food being ground input mushy pulp and swallowed! At this moment, Calvin chews up a large spoonful of creamed corn! For gosh sakes, close your mouth when you chew!! You think we want to see that?! Mkghh! Smack! Blaghkh! Calvin is transformed into a human x-ray. While this makes future medical diagnosis easier, it makes Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal. Everyone can see his food be ground into mushy pulp and swallowed. Calvin chews up a spoon of creamed corn. Dad yells at Calvin to close his mouth when he chews. Does Calvin think they want to see that?"
"Here's a little town. Here's a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole. Here comes the bulldozer, pushing thousands of barrels of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years, these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples. If you want me, I'll be under the bed. Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the sandbox. Calvin makes a town. Hobbes is using a steam shovel to dig a hole. Calvin takes a bulldozer and pushes thousands of barrels of nuclear toxic waste into the hole. Over the years, those deadly poisons seep into underground waterways. Calvin says the cancer rate in the nearby town triples. Hobbes, holding his stomach, walks off and tells Calvin if he wants him he'll be under the bed."
"A strike?? That pitch was four feet above my head! Ha! It was a perfect pitch! You're just too short! Yeah? Well, you're just too stupid! Kick kick kick. Well, you're just too ugly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kicking dust is the only part of this game we really like. Calvin is arguing a strike call with Hobbes, the pitcher. Calvin says the pitch was four feet over his head. Hobbes replies it was a perfect pitch, but that Calvin is too short. Calvin calls Hobbes stupid and kicks dirt at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin ugly and kicks dirt at Calvin. They each kick up a big cloud of dirt. Calvin says kicking dust is the only part of the game they really like."