"Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, 'A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald.' Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. '... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer.' Calvin receives a chain letter in the mail. He reads that a man in Denver made copies and got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and went bald. Hobbes scoffs at the letter. He says those notes are for superstitious nincompoops and to throw the note away. Calvin continues, saying 'a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer'."
"I spelled 'Be' how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled 'zygomorphic' on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter 'I' I can spell 'in'. That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your 'n', I can spell 'nucleoplasm' that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars. Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Hobbes scores 150 points with 'zygomorphic' on a triple-word score. Calvin gets three points with 'in'. Hobbes scores 40 with 'nucleoplasm'. Calvin only has consonants. He kicks the board and refuses to play anymore. He suggests they play poker instead. At least he has a chance of winning with cards. He starts betting with a nickel. Hobbes, with a smile on his face, sees his nickel and raises him eight dollars."
"Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you. Calvin has shrunk to the size of an insect. His only hope is to call for help. With all his might, he dials the phone. It's ringing, but will anyone hear him. Dad picks up the phone and hears buzzing. He says that better not be Calvin."
"Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here. Calvin rinses his hair and forms it into a point. He walks into the kitchen, telling Mom that the earth female should not be alarmed. His planet is dying, and they need cookies to survive. He tells her not to resist or she will be destroyed. He walks off with the cookie jar. Mom chases after him."
"This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the 'H'! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to 'C', you cheater!"
"Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! 'G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D' When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board! They decide to ask the Ouija board a different question. Calvin wants to know if he'll grow up to be president. The pointer starts to move. G..O..D..F..O..R..B..I..D. Calvin kicks the board and says he'll ask for an editorial when he wants one."
"How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? '3' You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer. Hobbes wonders how the Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries. Calvin decides to ask it. The pointer goes to '3'. Calvin remembers he didn't ask for the Ouija board last Christmas, he asked for a computer."
"Why do I have to go to bed now? I never get to do what I want! If I grow up to be some sort of psychopath because of this, you'll all be sorry!! Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, but you won't let me chew tobacco either! You never know what might push me over the brink! Go to bed Calvin. Calvin complains about having to go to bed. He never gets to do what he wants. He says they'll be sorry if he grows up to be a psychopath because of all this. Dad tells him no one ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Calvin adds that they don't let him chew tobacco, either. They don't know what might push him over the brink."
"Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!! A prehistoric monster is awakened. It makes its way to Japan and emerges. Calvin jumps up out of his bathtub water. He walks down the stairs saying he's heading for the power lines, trailing destruction. He comes up to Mom. Mom tells him to get back in the tub, he's making a mess. Calvin says it's Megalon, his arch-rival. He spits a bunch of water on Mom, saying it's a fireball. She chases him back up the stairs saying no more afternoon TV movies for him."
"Oh boy, you got some clay. I'm making Mom and Dad a Christmas present. What are you making? An ashtray. Your parents don't smoke. Of course ... ok Michalengelo, you sculpt something! Calvin is making Mom and Dad a Christmas present out of clay. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's an ashtray. Hobbes looks up. He says Mom and Dad don't smoke. Angrily, Calvin tells him 'OK, Michaelangelo, you sculpt something!'."
"A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance. Calvin tells Hobbes a homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you invested your time and skill into it. It says it's a personal gift, not a generic one. He tells Hobbes it also means you need a bigger allowance."
This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good. Hobbes is reading a news article that says many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. Calvin can believe it. He says it stresses him. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains that he hates being good.
Psst! Are you awake? Is it Christmas? It is! It is! Let's go wake Mom and Dad and open all our loot! Since it's Christmas maybe we should let them sleep a little. That's long enough! Wake up! Wake up! It's Christmas!! Quarter to 6. He let us sleep in this year. "Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year."
"Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession?? They'll fine you ten cents, now go return it. The way some of those librarians look at you. I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire. Calvin notices a library book was due two days ago. He wonders if they'll interrogate him, break his knees, make him sign a confession. Mom says they'll fine him ten cents. Calvin says the way some librarians look at you, he naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire."
"Hey Dad, I have a question. Sure, Calvin. What do you want to know? If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed ... would the sneeze go out your ears, or would your head explode? I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. ... either way. I'm scared to try it. Calvin asks Dad what would happen if you plugged your nose and mouth when you sneezed. He wonders if the sneeze would go out your ears or if your head would explode. Dad was hoping Calvin had a math question."
"Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence. Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill with their sled. Calvin says he sometimes likes to lie back on his sled and look at the sky. It's gray, no birds are singing, everything is muffled by the snow. He says without people or houses, everything would be perfectly still. Hobbes is on the sled, Calvin standing next to it. They both look into the sky. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks that's pretty neat. Hobbes agrees that it's very peaceful. Calvin kicks the sled down the hill. As Hobbes yells in terror, Calvin says he hates all that silence."
"Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph! Calvin points out the toboggan, suicide sled, to Hobbes. He indicates the unique design that gets snow sprayed into your face and the shows the lack of steering mechanism. He says it's truly a danger to life and limb. Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill, coated in snow, cheering with joy."
"Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater. Calvin asks if he can turn up the temperature in the house. Mom tells him that's expensive and to put on a sweater. Calvin notices the thermostat goes up to 90 degrees. He says they could be sitting around in shorts. Mom warns him to keep his hands off. Calvin says he can see his breath and will only turn it up to 75. Mom yells 'I said don't touch it!' Calvin says his hands are numb, he can't move the switch. He'll go put on a sweater."
"Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?"
"Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time! Calvin comes into the house tracking mud behind him. Mom yells that she hopes he took his boots off before he walked across the floor. Calvin takes his boots off, leaving them on the floor. He yells back to Mom that of course he did. She doesn't have to tell him all the time."
"Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer. Hobbes comes wobbling along, eyes wide open, body swirling. Calvin says Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer."
"What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him? Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to 'Close the dumb door'. Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married."
"Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper. Hobbes comes up to Calvin, who's sitting at his desk writing. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's writing his autobiography. When Hobbes points out that he's only six years old, Calvin points out that he only has one sheet of paper."
"Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning? Hobbes is lying in bed reading a book. Calvin asks if it's the book he gave him. Hobbes replies yes, and starts to explain why. Calvin stops him. He brings paper and a pencil over and asks Hobbes if he'd mind writing it in two pages for Calvin by tomorrow morning."
"Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. 'Ridiculous ideas' she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you? Calvin asks Mom if he was adopted, and Mom says no. Calvin then asks if she's planning on Calvin working in a cannery 14 hours a day when he's seven, and Mom says no. He then asks if she's fattening him up so he can be eaten. Mom wants to know who put all those ridiculous ideas into his head. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom called them 'ridiculous ideas'. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she'd really tell him."
"Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot. Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot."
"Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me. Calvin sits on the top of the snowy hill on his sled. He's thinking that it's okay to go down the hill, he'll miss the trees. He'll stop before he goes over the ledge at the bottom. He won't go into the ice-covered pond. Besides, the ice is probably really thick. Calvin says his brain is trying to kill him."
can't watch as they crash into a tree. Calvin thinks it's rude for Hobbes to change the subject after each sentence. Hobbes chooses crazy. " " Boy, is this hill big! We'll have a good long ride down! Provided we improve our steering. Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? Watch out for those trees. I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? There's a rock up ahead! Look out! Or,"