"I'd build a raft for this pond, but I don't have a place to dock it. I've always said you're a friend without pier. Huh? Nothing. Mm. I guess you're under a lot of pier pressure. Is something wrong with you?! Calvin says he'd build a raft for their pond, but he doesn't have a place to dock it. Hobbes says he's always said Calvin is a friend without pier. Calvin doesn't get it. Hobbes says Calvin's under a lot of pier pressure. Calvin asks if there is something wrong with Hobbes."
"Here's Stinky, the talking sock! Hi, Stinky! Say something to Susie! Hello, you ugly bucket of boogers! That darn 'Throw your voice' ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled. Calvin has a sock on his hand. He goes up to Susie and says it's Stinky, the talking sock. Stinky says Susie is an ugly bucket of boogers. Calvin, beaten up and lying on the ground, says that darn 'throw your voice' ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled."
"There aren't many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business leaders? Sports figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we're lucky if they don't end up in prison! Fortunately, if we can't get inspiration, we'll accept entertainment. As usual, the hero business is up to me. Calvin tells Hobbes there aren't many heroes these days. He asks who is out there to inspire them with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice. He asks if they can look up to business leaders, politicians, celebrities. He says they're lucky if they don't end up in prison. Hobbes says that fortunately, if they can't get inspiration, they'll accept entertainment. Calvin dons his Stupendous Man hood and says that the hero business is up to him."
"Hello? Mm-hmm... No thank you, I'm not interested. Hmm? ... no, I don't want... mm... as I said, I don't... mm-hmmm... no I... mm... look, I'm not... hmm? DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I HAVE A LIFE BEYOND THIS SALES PITCH AND YOU'RE INTRUDING ON IT?! There would be more civility in this world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you. I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words. Mom answers the phone and says she isn't interested. She keeps trying to get off the phone with the sales person. Finally, she yells into the phone that she has a life beyond this sales pitch and it's being intruded upon. Angrily, Mom says there would be move civility in the world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you. Calvin walks by saying he's only civil because he doesn't know any swear words."
"Hold it. Wait, I need to... KACHOOO! Wow, this is your best driver's license photo EVER! Until this expires, I will be driving EXACTLY the speed limit! Dad is sitting on a chair. He asks for them to hold it. He sneezes. Calvin says this is Dad's best driver's license photo ever. Dad says that until it expires, he's driving exactly the speed limit."
"Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone! Susie waits for the school bus and hears a noise. Calvin is being dragged by Mom. He has his blanket, which is dragging the lamp, phone, cereal, and school books along with it. Mom angrily stands next to Calvin, who's also standing angrily. Susie glances at them. The bus comes. Mom smiles, while Calvin is horrified and starts running. Mom catches him and stuff him onto the bus. As the bus drives off, Susie asks Calvin if he knows that nobody on their street sets an alarm clock in the morning. Calvin tells her to shut up."
"Hobbes is allowed to eat at the table with me tonight? And we get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches? This is more like it! Boy, you look nice. Thank you. ...uh-oh. Dibs on the French fries. Hobbes gets to eat with Calvin at the table for dinner. They get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches. Calvin says this is more like it. Mom serves his sandwich, and Calvin notices Mom is dressed nicely. Calvin suspects something."
"Calvin, if you run these stockings...! Dear, grab him! NO! NO! NOT ROSALYN! AAAAAAAAAAA! HELP! DON'T LEAVE ME!! ... and the neighbors' numbers are (pull a leg, will you?) by the phone. I told you my rates doubled, right? Calvin is holding onto Mom's leg. Dad is pulling one of Calvin's legs to get him off. Calvin sees Rosalyn. Dad tells Rosalyn the neighbors' numbers are by the phone, and could she pull a leg? Rosalyn asks if she told them her rates have doubled."
"OK Calvin, listen up. Aaa! No! I'm not going to bed! You can't make me! You and I are going to make a deal. A deal?! What kind of deal?? I'm not making any deal! You don't give me ANY trouble tonight, and we'll play a game. What's the game? 'Kill the kid'?! No way! Plus, you get to stay up half an hour past your bedtime. Notice how obediently I'm sitting here. Rosalyn offers Calvin a deal. She says if Calvin doesn't give him any trouble tonight, they'll play a game. He asks what game, 'Kill the Kid'? She adds that he can stay up half an hour past his bedtime. Calvin obediently sits there."
"So what's the game I get to play if I'm good? You decide. Pick your favorite game. Is this a trick? Can we really play my favorite game?? Sure, why not? What is it? CALVINBALL!! CALVINball?? Get out the timefracture wickets, Hobbes! We're gonna play Calvinball! What the heck is Calvinball? Calvin gets to choose the game to play. He asks if it's a trick, and Rosalyn tells him they can play his favorite game. He chooses Calvinball. Calvin tells Hobbes to get the time-fracture wickets. Rosalyn asks what the heck is Calvinball."
"And if I do all my homework, we get to stay up an extra half hour to play Calvinball! Oh boy! Here, you can double-check my math problems while I start on my history. We've got to get this done. You finished your math?? We're here to have a nice time. Try not to think about all the trouble Calvin's getting into. Did you hear that?? It sounded like another sier. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he does all his homework, they get to stay up to play Calvinball. Calvin finishes his math homework and starts his history work. At the restaurant, Mom says they're there to have a nice time and not to think of what trouble Calvin's getting into. Dad spins around and says that sounded like another siren."
"I finished all my homework, just like you said to, Rosalyn. Great. are you ready to play your game then? First we need to make you a mask. A mask? what for? When you play Calvinball, you wear a mask. Why? Sorry, no one's allowed to question the masks. This sounds like a great game. Calvin finishes his homework, and he says he has to make Rosalyn a mask. When she asks why, Calvin tells her no one is allowed to question the masks."
"Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window. The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink. The allosaur is thirsty, too. This means confrontation. The ultrasaur turns around to glower at the allosaur. Calvin is standing behind Moe at the drinking fountain. Calvin says that fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type."
"Other kids' games are all such a bore! They've got to have rules and they gotta keep score! Calvinball is better by far! It's never the same! It's always bizarre! You don't need a team or a referree! You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me! If you wanna.... Uh, feel free to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. This was a mistake. Calvin sings a Calvinball song about having a game that's never the same, it's always bizarre. It's named after him. He tells Rosalyn to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. Rosalyn thinks this was a mistake."
"I've got the Calvinball! Everybody else has to go in slow motion now! Wait a minute, Calvin. I don't... You have to TALK in slow motion liiike thisss. Thiisss gaaaame maaakes noooo sennnse! It'ssss aasss iffff"
"If I'm in the perimeter of wisdom, then I get to make a decree. A decree? Um... OK. I decree that you have to catch a water balloon that I throw high in the air. Oh NO! Man, she picked up the nuances of this game FAST! Ha! This IS fun! Rosalyn says if she's in the perimeter of wisdom, she gets to make a decree. She decrees that Calvin has to catch a water balloon she throws high into the air. As Rosalyn races to get a balloon, Calvin tells Hobbes that she picked up the nuances of this game fast."
"OK Calvin, you have to catch the water balloon! AAA! Ha, I'm in the corollary zone! If I catch the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still! WHAT?! I CAUGHT IT!! HA HA HA HA! Oh this is going to be SWEET! I'm taking Hobbes prisoner! Rosalyn tosses the water balloon into the air. As he runs, Calvin says he's in the corollary zone. If he catches the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still. Calvin catches it. He thinks this is going to be sweet. Rosalyn grabs Hobbes and holds him behind her."
"Hobbes! Don't guard Rosalyn! I'm going to get her with this balloon! The tiger is my prisoner! I guess I'll just have to soak you BOTH then! Ha ha ha! Sorry, Calvin, I touched you with the babysitter flag. The babysitter flag?? What's that? It means you must obey the babysitter. ...who says it's a half-hour past your bedtime now. Let's go in. Awwwww! Darn babysitter flag. Calvin tells Hobbes not to guard Rosalyn. He wants to hit her with the balloon. Calvin says he'll just have to soak both of them. Rosalyn touches Calvin with the flag. She says the baby sitter flag means he has to obey the baby sitter. She says it's a half hour past his bedtime. They have to go in. Calvin grumbles about the darn baby sitter flag."
"Our house is still standing. That's a good sign. We're home! Is everything OK? Fine. Calvin did his homework, then we played a game, and Calvin went to bed. It's awfully late for jokes, Rosalyn. I've noticed that when we play games with girls, you get captured a lot. Some of us are just irresistable. Dad pulls up and sees the house is still standing. Mom asks how everything is. Rosalyn tells them everything's fine. She says Calvin did his homework, they played a game, and Calvin went to bed. Dad says it's awfully late for jokes. In bed, Calvin says he noticed that when they play games with girls, Hobbes gets captured a lot. Hobbes says some of us are just irresistible."
"Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these 'walks' always end up as 'rides'? oh, you need the exercise more anyway. Calvin hates Sundays. The day off is ruined knowing you have to go to school the next day. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get his chores done now, so they can enjoy the rest of the day without worry. Calvin hates to delay fun, but he thinks Hobbes might be onto something. They clean the bedroom, do homework, get clothes ready, make lunch, and take a bath. Off they go to play. Mom sees them and says it's time for bed. Calvin says he isn't going to listen to Hobbes again. Hobbes agrees they should never put the low priorities first."
"Wake up! It's time to get ready for school. Just checking. I'm glad you're up and dressed. That should throw her off the trail for a while. Mom wakes Calvin for school. He gets dressed. Mom looks in to see Calvin is dressed. Calvin crawls back in bed, saying that should throw them off the trail for awhile."
"For show and tell, I brought a little toy airplane. It's sort of ordinary, I suppose. But I like to have it around. It reminds me that as soon as I save a little more money, I'll buy a ticket and put so much distance between you chumps and me, it will boggle your minds. It's not an 'attitude'. It's a fact. For show and tell, Calvin has a toy airplane. He says it's ordinary, but he likes to have it around. He says it reminds him that as soon as he saves a little more money, he'll buy a ticket and put so much distance between his classmate chumps and him, it would boggle their minds. In front of the principal, Calvin defends himself, saying it's not an 'attitude', it's a fact."
'"Original flavor' ... wait, here's 'Less sodium', and here's 'Lite', and here's 'Less fat'. What if I wanted less fat AND less salt? What distinguishes 'Lite' from these others? Does the 'Original flavor' package imply that the others taste different? Frankly, my life was plenty complicated BEFORE the potato chips. Dad is shopping. He sees 'original flavor', 'low sodium', 'lite', 'less fat'. He wonders what he does if he wants less fat and less salt. He wonders what distinguishes 'lite' from the others. He wonders if the 'original flavor' package implies the others taste differently. He says his life was plenty complicated before potato chips."
"Look at all this peanut butter! There must be three sizes of five brands of four consistencies! Who demands this much choice?? I know! I'll quite my job and devote my life to choosing peanut butter! Is 'chunky' chunky enough, or do I need 'EXTRA chunky'? I'll compare ingredients! I'll compare brands! I'll compare sizes and prices! Maybe I'll drive around and see what OTHER stores have! So much selection and so little time! I think YOU should do the shopping. Did the manager have to talk to you again? Hey, where's the peanut butter?! Dad sees several choices of peanut butter. He wonders who demands so much choice. He says he'll quit his job and devote his live to choosing peanut butter. He'll compare brands and ingredients. He'll compare sizes and prices. He'll drive around seeing what other stores have. At home, Dad tells Mom that she should do the shopping. She asks if the manager had to talk to him again. Calvin wonders where the peanut butter is."
"Ook ook ee! Ooh! Ook. In humor, timing is everything. Calvin walks behind Moe. Calvin drags his knuckles, then scratches himself like an ape. Moe turns around and sees him. Pounded, Calvin says in humor, timing is everything."
I like cereal to crackle and pop when I put milk on it. See? Very entertaining. I've never seen raisin bran do that. I put in an alka-seltzer. Calvin tells Hobbes he likes his cereal to crackle and pop when he puts milk on it. He shows Hobbes. Hobbes says he's never seen Raisin Bran do that. Calvin put in an Alka-Seltzer.
"I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head. Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin doesn't snap the ball, because he's the quarterback for the other team. He's a traitor. Calvin heads for the goal. Hobbes says he's running the wrong way. When he learned Calvin was a spy, he switched goals. Calvin's is hidden. Calvin says as a traitor, crossing his goal counts as crossing Hobbes' goal. Hobbes says Calvin's goal is hidden right under Hobbes', so the points will go to him. Calvin says he's really a double-agent. Hobbes will lose points if Calvin crosses his goal. Hobbes retorts that he's also a traitor. The points will go to Calvin's team, which is really his team. Calvin admits that would be true, except he's really a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player. Hobbes is secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player. Calvin says sooner or later, all their games turn into Calvinball."
"I need your help, Hobbes. What's the problem? The teacher said my book report was terrible and I need to do it over. Really?? Obviously, I need a cooler letterhead logo. I'll add more lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield. Calvin needs Hobbes' help. The teacher said his book report was terrible, and it has to be done over. Calvin says he obviously needs a cooler letterhead logo. Hobbes starts adding lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield."
"I hear we're having a fire drill today. Right. Wow! How exciting! I can't wait! Do you know what to do? You bet! When do they pass out the gasoline? Calvin asks Susie if they're having a fire drill today. She says they are. She asks if he knows what to do. Calvin tells her he does, then asks when they pass out the gasoline."