"I want you to pick up your room today, OK? Do I get paid? No. If I don't get paid, how do I know it's important?! You can trust a monther on that. Mom tells Calvin she'd like him to pick up his room. Calvin asks if he'll get paid. Mom says no. Calvin asks how he knows it's important if he doesn't get paid. Mom clarifies that you can trust a mother on that."
"Go on 'three' ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs. Going down the hill in the sled, Calvin says they all want to live meaningful lives. They look for meaning in everything they do. He asks Hobbes to suppose there is no meaning, that life is fundamentally absurd. He asks Hobbes to suppose there's no reason, truth, or rightness in anything. As they sail off the edge of the hill into the air, he asks Hobbes what if nothing really matters. Hobbes covers his eyes and says there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Tumbling through the air, Calvin ponders whether it would be worse if everything mattered."
"MY water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking! YOUR water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw the slightest distance! The advantage is clearly mine! Do you surrender? Calvin shows Hobbes that his water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking. He tells Hobbes that his water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw accurately. He says the advantage is his and asks Hobbes if he surrenders. Hobbes unties the end of his water balloon and shoots the water at Calvin."
"Hey, there's no butter in the butter dish! My toast will get cold while I get another stick from the fridge! HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?!? Mr. and Mrs. Empathy. Spreading butter on his toast, Calvin notices there is no butter on the dish. He says his toast will get cold while he gets another stick from the refrigerator. He complains that he's suffered enough. He asks where it will all end. As he walks by, he sees Mom and Dad looking at him. Calvin calls them Mr. and Mrs. Empathy."
I'm glad you're getting some exercise. Keep that heart rate up. Dad can take the fun out of ANYthing. Calvin jumps through the sprinkler. Dad tells him that he's glad he's getting some exercise. He tells Calvin to keep his heart rate up. Calvin says Dad can take the fun out of anything.
"I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male! Calvin has a hammer. He can put things together or knock them apart. He can alter his environment at will and make a din all the while. He says it's great to be a male."
"Vampire bugs! Run for your life! They're called mosquitos. So if they drink your blood, you don't turn into one? Horrified, Calvin runs by complaining about vampire bugs. Dad says they're called mosquitos. Calvin asks if you don't turn into one if they drink your blood."
"When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the other guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win! Conversations aren't contests! OK, a point for you, but I'm still ahead. Calvin tells Hobbes that when a person pauses in mid-sentence, that's the best time to jump in and change the topic. He says it's like an interception in football. The more sentences you complete, the higher your score. He says the idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own. That's how you win. Hobbes complains that conversations aren't contests. Calvin says that's a point for Hobbes, but he's still ahead."
"You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!! It's bedtime. Calvin pushes a button on the wall. He is sprung to hands that remove his shirt, past another pair of hands that remove his underwear, down a chute that drops him into the bathtub. He gets out and towels himself dry. Down a trap door, where his pajamas are put on. Down into bed he goes. Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin says he hates getting ready for bed."
"Just once I'd like to see you manage this during the school year. YAAAAAAA. Mom stands in the doorway, cup of coffee in hand. It's barely sunrise. Calvin has a flag in hand and is running off to play. Mom says just once she'd like to see him manage that during the school year."
"Almost everywhere you go, you can hear people, radios and all kinds of engines. When you're actually confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling. Why, you can even hear yourself think. This is making me nervous. Let's go in. Calvin says that everywhere you go, you hear people, radios, and engines. When you're confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling. Hobbes says you can even hear yourself think. Calvin says this is making him nervous and wants to go in."
"We rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. We don't believe in things we can't see. So how do we know that no-see-ums exist? Verification is ruled out by definition! It's an ontological quandary. Hold still a moment. Ooh, I itch! Glad I could help. Calvin says they rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. They don't believe what they can't see. He asks how they know no-see-ums exist. It's an ontological quandary. Hobbes tells him to hold still a moment. Calvin says he itches. Hobbes says he's glad he could help."
"Calvin, time to come in! Aww Mom, it's not even dark yet! I didn't say it was. I said it's time to come in. It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out. Mom yells for Calvin to come in. He complains it's not dark yet. Mom tells him she didn't say it was, but it is time to come in. In the bathtub, Calvin says it's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out."
"Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I wonder which YOU are. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles! Calvin tells Hobbes that some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best choices available. Some are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. Others just act on any whim that enters their heads. Hobbes rolls his eyes and wonders which one Calvin is. Calvin says he pragmatically turns his whims into principles."
"To help Mom prepare better meals, I'm compiling a book of recipes. I notice that all of them involve deep-fat frying. I'm adding a chocolate syrup section now. Calvin is compiling a book of recipes to help Mom prepare better meals. Hobbes looks at it and notices they all involve deep-fat frying. Calvin says he's adding a chocolate syrup section now."
"Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!! Hobbes is stalking something. Calvin is playing in the yard. Suddenly, he hears a sneeze. Off he runs. Hobbes rises from the tall grass angrily and continues stalking. Peeking out of the house door, Calvin says hayfever season isn't all bad. From the bushes, Calvin hears 'you thig id's fuddy, but id's dot'. Calvin slams the door closed while Hobbes blows his nose."
"It's hard to conceal a water balloon. Susie is walking along. She stops, turns, and runs off. Calvin looks like he has a big belly. He says it's hard to conceal a water balloon."
"I've got a water balloon hidden under this turban! Pretty ingenious, huh? I'll bet the tower comes in handy. Why? Calvin is walking with a towel wrapped around his head. He tells Hobbes he has a water balloon hidden under the turban. He asks Hobbes if he thinks that's pretty ingenious. Hobbes says he bets the towel comes in handy. Calvin asks why. Calvin is chasing Hobbes, water soaking him, with his turban pushed down in the middle."
"Couldn't I be sedated for this?! Oh, don't I wish. Calvin is in the bathtub, with water all over the floor. The toilet tank lid is askew, clothes lie on the vanity, cabinet doors are open. Calvin angrily asks if he couldn't be sedated for this. Dripping wet, Mom says she wishes."
"It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was considered a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes and car phones, everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines don't make life easier - they make life more harrassed. Six minutes to microwave this?? Who's got that kind of time?! If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things LESS efficiently. Dad is working at home saying it used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with faxes, modems, and car phones, everyone wants everything instantly. Improved technology just increases expectations. The machines don't make life easier, they make it more harassed. Calvin looks at a box he's holding and complains it takes six minutes to microwave it. He asks who has that kind of time. Dad says if they wanted more leisure, they'd invent machines that do things less efficiently."
"Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. It was nice of your parents to let us eat outside. Sitting on the steps outside, Calvin and Hobbes are eating corn. Calvin says summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. Hobbes says it was nice of Calvin's parents to let them eat outside."
...ewww... Ah! Ah! CHOO! This food is allergic to me. Calvin looks at his food plate. It sneezes and covers Calvin with food. Calvin takes the plate back to Mom and tells her the food is allergic to him.
"Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ... In poem form, Calvin says Mom and Dad aren't what they seem. They are outer space alien freaks. They landed in spaceships humongous, now they walk among us. He knows the truth, they're here to spoil his youth. Each"
"I'm a firefly. I see the flashlight. It's dark, then suddenly it's light. In bed, Calvin is smiling while Hobbes is startled awake. It's dark again. It lights again, and Calvin says he's a firefly. Hobbes sees the flashlight."
"Do we have any string? Sure. What for? A wick. I'm saving all my ear wax to make a candle. Oh Calvin! BLAUGHH! Could I make a set of crayons? Calvin asks Mom for some string. When she asks why, Calvin tells her it's for a wick. He's saving all his ear wax to make a candle. Mom is grossed out. He asks her if he can make a set of crayons."
"I'm filling out a reader survey for Chewing magazine. See, they asked how much money I spend on gum each week, so I wrote '$500'. For my age, I put '43'. And when they asked what my favorite flavor is, I wrote 'garlic/curry'. This magazine should have some amusing ads soon. I love messing with data. Calvin is filling out a survey for 'Chewing' magazine. He indicates he spends $500 a week on gum, he's 43 years old, with a favorite flavor of 'garlic/curry'. Hobbes thinks this magazine will have some amusing ads soon. Calvin loves messing with data."
"Ever notice how people always try to do two things at once? They talk on the phone while they drive, they watch TV while they eat, they listen to music while they work... People never focus on any one thing to enjoy it or do it well. You're breaking my concentration. WE focus on doing nothing at all! Lying on a tree branch, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed how people try to do two things at once. They talk on the phone while they drive. They watch TV while they eat. They listen to music while they work. People don't focus on one thing to do it well or enjoy it. Hobbes tells him he's breaking his concentration. Calvin says they focus on doing nothing at all."
"I can't believe summer is almost over. Soon school will start. No more freedom, no more long days outside, no more fun. Well, let's go make the most of the time we have left! Nah, I've reserved the rest of the month for moping. Calvin can't believe summer is almost over. School will start, no long days outside, no more fun. Hobbes tells him they should make the most of the time they have left. Calvin tells him he's reserved the rest of the month for moping."
"Heh heh! If I miss this target, THIS water balloon is reusable! Bad idea. Calvin has a water balloon tied on a string to a tree branch. He says if he misses his target, the water balloon is reusable. Susie walks by. The balloon misses her. As it swings back, she catches it. She then throws it at Calvin. He takes off running, saying that was a bad idea."
"Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance. Spaceman Spiff flees the bug beings of Zartron-9. Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death ray blaster. It's taking a long time to boot up. Finally, it does, and Spiff selects 'blaster'. He gets pull down settings and a dialog box. He makes his selections, but the screen doesn't change. He tries 'F1' for help. He goes through the choices. None of them is correct. He hadn't set the number of volts. He enters it and gets an 'invalid setting' indication. KRAKK! Spiff is hit and is going down. Dad can't get his computer to boot up. He asks if someone has been playing with it. Calvin walks by and says the whole thing went down, but he jumped clear at the last second."