"Who's our substitute teacher? Do you know? Mr. Kneecapper. Oh NO! Really? I heard he killed a kid last year! What?! Yeah, some kid was talking in class, so Mr. Kneecapper took him out in the hall, and there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon! OHH! Wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu. Calvin asks who their substitute teacher is. When Susie tells him, Calvin says he heard that teacher killed a kid last year. He tells Susie the teacher took a kid out to the hall, then there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says to wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu."
"Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold, damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my leg. 3. Anything that was popular in the '70s. 4. Licorice, yams, or raisins. 5. That high-pitched screech that babies make. 6. Writhing maggots. It's comforting to know that there are certainties in life. Calvin writes a list of things he'll never like. He mentions drying off with a cold, damp towel. He mentions seaweed wrapping around his leg. He mentions raisins, the screech babies make, and writhing maggots. He tells Hobbes it's comforting to know there are some certainties in life."
"Life is full of possibilities. For example, right now, instead of waiting for the school bus, I could stick out my thumb, hitch a ride, and spend the rest of my life in the Serengeti, migrating with the wildebeests! The Serengeti is in Africa. You couldn't really hitch a ride there. Life is full of precluded possibilities. Calvin tells Hobbes life is full of possibilities. Instead of waiting for the school bus, he could thumb a ride and spend the rest of his life in the Serengeti, migrating with wildebeests. Hobbes points out that the Sergengeti is in Africa and that he couldn't really hitch a ride there. Calvin frowns and says life is full of precluded possibilities."
"Slurrpp. Sluurrp. AACKKPTH URGK BLUB! I'd bet anything that the principal has a valve in his office that changes the water pressure. Calvin drinks from a water fountain. It sprays up into his face. As he walks away dripping, he says he bets the principal has a valve in his office that changes water pressure."
"Why are you digging a hole? I'm looking for buried treasure! What have you found? A few dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. On your first try?? There's treasure everywhere! Hobbes asks why Calvin is digging a hole. Calvin is looking for buried treasure. Hobbes asks what he's found. Some dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. Hobbes is overjoyed and asks if it was Calvin's first try. Calvin says there's treasure everywhere."
"Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team? Spaceman Spiff gazes across the landscape. He wonders what dangers lie ahead. He wonders what bizarre occurrence he will be the first to witness. Spiff keeps looking across the expanse. He throws a few rocks. Spiff sighs. Calvin goes back inside. Hobbes comes with him, saying that if he couldn't find any weirdness, they'll have to make some."
"Boy, our family would sure be in trouble if YOU were bringing home the bacon! I AM NOT BACON! Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says the family would be in trouble if Hobbes were bringing home the bacon. As he turns around, Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes carries him in his mouth and drops him. Hobbes walks away, and Calvin yells after him that he isn't bacon."
"Ouchywawa. I've got a big owwy boo boo on my pinky. That's too bad. When your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy. Calvin tells Mom that he has a big 'owwy boo boo' on his pinky. Mom says that's too bad. Calvin walks away saying that when your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy."
"Look at this, Hobbes. I added it up and figured out I spend an average of four days a year taking baths! Four full days - morning, noon, and night - just sitting in the bathtub! What could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that?! How long did it take you to add this all up? In the bathtub, Calvin says he figures he spends an average of four days a year taking baths. He asks what could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that. Hobbes looks at the paper and asks how long it took Calvin to add all that up."
"Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? You're deluding yourself, stupid! Nothing you do is important! You're just a bug! Oh my gosh, look at the time! Calvin sees a bug walking. He tells the bug to stop deluding himself. Nothing he does is important. He notices what time it is and runs off."
"I'm a man of few words. Maybe if you read more, you'd have a larger vocabulary. Calvin says he's a man of few words. Hobbes suggests that if he read more, he'd have a larger vocabulary. Hobbes runs off with Calvin in hot pursuit."
"Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won. Calvin is filling up a water balloon. It bursts, soaking Calvin with water. He gets another balloon and vows not to fill that one so full. He has trouble tying off the knot, spilling water all over himself. He starts to fill the balloon again. It slips off and soaks him. Calvin says Hobbes will be there at any second, so he tries to fill the balloon again. Hobbes runs up, and Calvin covers himself. Hobbes notices how soaked Calvin already is. He asks what the point is. Hobbes walks away."
"It's hot, it's humid, it's buggy, there's no breeze, and the air is full of pollen. But it's SUMMER! Calvin complains that it's hot, humid, buddy, with no breeze. Then he says 'But it's summer'. Off he and Hobbes go to play."
"Hey ant, you're working like a maniac, and what have you got to show for it? What's the colony done for YOU lately? What about YOUR needs? You don't owe anybody anything! Let the others fend for themselves! Move out! Discover yourself! Express your individuality! If they listen, this should solve our ant problem. Calvin asks an ant why he's working like a maniac. He asks what the colony has done for the ant lately. He says the ant doesn't owe anybody anything. He tells the ant to discover himself and express his individuality. Calvin says if they listen, it should solve their ant problem."
"Hello? It surrrrre is nice outside! Climb a tree! Goof off! *click* Dad harrasses me with HIS values, so I harass him with mine. Dad answers the phone at his office. Calvin says it's nice outside. He tells Dad to climb a tree and goof off. He hangs up. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Dad harasses him with his values, he'll harass Dad with his."
"Look! I caught a butterfly! If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. Calvin shows Hobbes a butterfly he caught and put in a jar. Hobbes tells him that if people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. Calvin looks at the jar, opens it and lets the butterfly out."
"AAAAAAA. You're awake? Oh boy! Let's go! N-no c-coffee f-for m-me, th-thanks. Hehh hoo hehh An eye opens to see Hobbes directly in front. Calvin is startled awake by Hobbes. Hobbes says that since he's awake, they can go play. Still jittery from the experience, Calvin says he doesn't need any coffee."
"Why does ice float? Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes on top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun. Is that true? Look it up and find out. I should just look stuff up in the first place. You can learn a lot, talking to me. Calvin asks Dad why ice floats. Dad says ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer the sun. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad tells him to look it up and find out. Calvin unhappily walks away saying he should just look stuff up in the first place. Dad says you can learn a lot talking to him."
"We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, 'Early to bed, early to rise.' You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but 'A penny saved is a penny earned,' as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement. A stick person walks along. He sees something, turns around and runs. A stick animal comes up behind the stick person, jumps up and tackles the stick person. The stick animal eats the head of the stick person and walks away. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes gave him the story idea. He tells Dad to flip the pages again."
"I cleaned and oiled your bicycle, Calvin. What do you say I take some time and help you learn how to ride it? NOOOOOO!! You're welcome. Mom! Mom! Dad HATES me! Dad has cleaned and oiled the bicycle. He asks Calvin if he'd like to learn to ride it. Calvin runs away in horror, yelling no. Dad says he's welcome. Calvin tells Mom that Dad hates him."
"I've got the bike, Calvin. It's not going anywhere. I can feel it's going to throw me! Get ready to yank its wheels off! Just relax. I've got you. How can I relax? I'm uninsured and unarmed! I'm as good as head! Push back on the pedals. That's your brake, OK? Yes, well, that was fun! Thanks for the lesson! Get back here. No, really, I think I've got it! You can sell the bike now. Dad holds the bike with Calvin on it. Calvin says the bike is getting ready to throw him off. Dad tells him to relax. Calvin says he can't relax. He's uninsured and unarmed. Dad tells Calvin how to apply the brakes. Calvin thanks Dad for the lesson and runs off. Dad tells him to come back. Calvin says he has it, and that Dad can sell the bike now."
"The trick to balancing is to have a little forward momentum. AAA! No momentum! No momentum! Just pedal slowly. I'm holding the bike, so you won't fall. You'll let go and the bike will launch me into the ionosphere! Trust me, OK? TRUST you? I hardly KNOW you! I'm your father!? What, for six years?! When I'm 40, we'll see how things are going along! Dad tells Calvin the trick to balancing on a bike is to have momentum. Calvin wants no momentum. Dad says with him holding the bike, Calvin can't fall. Calvin says he'll let go, and the bike will launch him into the ionosphere. Dad tells Calvin to trust him. Calvin replies he hardly knows Dad. He's only known Dad for six years. he offers to see how things are going when he's forty."
"Look, Calvin, you've got to relax a little. Your balance will be better if you're loose. I can't help it! Imminent death makes me tense! I admit it! You need a goal. Concentrate on your goal. My goal is to dismantle this bicycle and mail every piece to a different country so it can never be rebuilt! OK, that's not a good goal. WELL I'M NOT CHANGING IT! Dad tells Calvin to relax in order to improve him balance on the bicycle. Calvin says imminent death makes him tense. Dad tells Calvin to concentrate on a goal. Calvin's goal is to dismantle the bike and mail each piece to a different country so it can't be rebuilt. Dad says that isn't a good goal. Calvin says he isn't changing it."
"Think about the places you can go once you learn how to ride! AAAAA. Think about how impressed your friends will be! Think about how much fun you'll have! AAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAA. Think about inhaling. EEEP ahhh... Dad tells Calvin to think of the places he can ride when he learns how to ride a bicycle. He tells Calvin to think how his friends will be impressed. All this time, Calvin is yelling with his eyes wide open. Dad tells him to think about inhaling."
"Ooh, it doesn't look like the bike lesson went so good. It didn't. Dad LIKES riding his bike! He doesn't understand what it's like for me! I HATE flipping over the bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine! Is that what happened? No, I tripped coming up the stairs. Calvin is all scratched and bruised. Hobbes says it looks like the bike lesson didn't go so well. Calvin complains that Dad like riding his bike, so he doesn't understand what it's like for Calvin. He says he hates flipping over bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine. Hobbes asks if that's what happened. Calvin tells him no. He tripped coming up the stairs."
"Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer 'furry dipping.' Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this! Calvin answers the doorbell. The bike comes into the house and chases Calvin. Over the sofa they go, up the stairs. Calvin hides temporarily in the bathroom as the bike goes down the hall. He holds the bike off with a chair as he backs out his bedroom window. He closes the window and says the bike can't get him now. Downstairs, someone yells there are tire tracks on the rugs and oil on the couch. Another voice asks where Calvin is. Outside on the roof, Calvin says someday neighbors will look out and wonder why there is a grown man wearing kids' clothes on their roof."
"What does it mean when someone says to 'Give it the ol' college try'? It means you join your friends, get some cheap beer, order a pizza, and forget about tomorrow. That's not what it means! Where did YOU go to college? Never mind. Calvin asks Dad what it means when someone says they'll 'give it the ol' college try'. Dad tells him you join your friends, get cheap beer, eat a pizza and forget about tomorrow. Mom says that isn't what it means. Dad asks where she went to college."