"Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway? Someone is flying a spacecraft , cruising between large mesas, heading toward the horizon. A monster appears ahead of the spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing in front of Calvin's desk. He's startled awake. He looks at his school book. He sees a herd of dinosaurs as he come out of the bushes."
"I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I, for example, take great pleasure in being right here, right now, doing what we're doing. Of course, you're supposed to be at school. I couldn't appreciate those moments. Calvin tells Hobbes the secret to happiness is to learn to appreciate the moment. As they climb a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes he takes great pleasure being right here, right now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's supposed to be at school. Calvin replies he couldn't appreciate those moments."
"Why aren't we hooked up to an on-line service, so we can connect to other computers? It's bad enough we have a telephone. HELLLPPP!! Calvin asks Dad why they aren't hooked up to an online service so they can connect to other computers. Dad says it's bad enough they have a telephone. Calvin goes outside and yells 'HELLLPPP!!!'"
"I hate when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top and then the ride is over so fast. And if you sit for a moment to enjoy the height, everybody yells at you to get going. And sometimes the idiot behind you starts down too soon and he smacks into you at the bottom before you can get away. Yep, the playground is a LOT more fun after the class starts. CALVIN! Calvin climbs the slide ladder, saying he hates when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top, then the ride is over so fast. If you sit at the top to enjoy the height, everybody yells for you to get going. As he slides down, he says sometimes the idiot behind you starts too soon and smacks into you before you can get away. He runs off, saying the playground is a lot more fun after class starts. A voice calls for Calvin."
PHOOMPP. Why are you crying? I'm cutting up an onion. It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables. Calvin asks why Mom is crying. She's cutting up an onion. He walks away saying it must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
"Calvin, would you demonstrate the next problem at the board? Yes Miss Worm-wood. I would be happy to do an-y-thing you ask. I have been suc-cess-ful-ly pro-grammed to obey all di-rect-tives. I have no will of my own... my own... my own... my own. Doesn't anybody appreciate theater?! Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem at the board. Calvin walks forward like a robot. He mechanically says he would be happy to do it. He says he has been programmed to obey all directives. He has no free will. As Calvin walks to the principal's office, he asks if anyone appreciates theater."
"Can I run the vacuum cleaner? No, not until you're older. I'm old enough! I could do it! Well, maybe just this once, if you do a real good job. That suppressed smile worries me. Calvin asks Mom if he can run the vacuum cleaner. He says he's old enough and can do it. Mom says maybe this once, if he does a real good job. As he vacuums, Calvin says that suppressed smile worries him."
"We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much. Calvin informs Hobbes that they are going to have a baby sitter that night. They wear war helmets and Calvin picks up a toy gun. Mom announces Rosalyn and asks Calvin to be good. Rosalyn introduces herself, but Calvin just Hmphs. He says that she is not his Mom, and he doesn't have to do anything she says, and that he will do as he pleases. Rosalyn asks Calvin to take a look by the telephone. Calvin finds a note from his Mom with emergency numbers. Rosalyn threatens Calvin that they might end up having to call one of those numbers.Calvin announces that it must be 6:30, and that he would turn in. Rosalyn comments that she doesn't put up with much for eight bucks a night."
'"Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely, The President of the United States. P.S. Really.' Nice try. Sit down. I gotta learn how to write in cursive. Miss Wormwood reads a note from the President of the United States, indicating Calvin should be excused because his genius is required on a matter of national security. Miss Wormwood looks at Calvin and tells him it was a nice try. Calvin sits down, grumbling that he needs to learn how to write in cursive."
"How come grown-ups don't go out to play? Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. That sounds like a job. ...except you don't get paid. So play is worse than work? Being a grown-up is tough. Calvin asks Dad why grownups don't go out to play. Dad says they justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. Calvin says that sounds like a job. Dad says it is, except you don't get paid. Calvin asks if play is worse than work. Dad says being a grownup is tough."
"A big part of life is boring routine. I need more excitement. So today, I'm going to have a new kind of cereal. This cereal doesn't have any chocolate frosting. It has fiber and raisins. Of course, a bit part of life is horryifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. We tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others. Calvin tells Hobbes a big part of life is boring routine. He needs excitement. He is going to have a new kind of cereal. Hobbes reads the cereal doesn't have chocolate frosting, but does have fiber and raisins. Calvin goes back to the pantry saying a big part of life is horrifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. He grabs his 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs'. Hobbes says tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others."
"15 people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait ten minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited TWO minutes. I'm waiting to pay, and the cashier puts ME on hold instead of the person on the telephone. Have a nice day. Too late. Mom is shopping. She's angry that the bank teller went on break without a replacement with fifteen people in line. She says after she waited ten minutes, a new line was opened for all the people behind her who waited two minutes. As she tries to buy her groceries, she sees the cashier putting her on hold so that she could talk with someone on the telephone. After she gets her last bag, the cashier tells Mom to have a nice day. Mom replies that it's too late."
"Have you noticed how nobody dresses up for anything anymore? People look like slobs wherever they go. Everybody's rude, too. People swear all the time, and you can forget about being addressed as 'Mr.' or 'Sir.' There's no respect for anyone. How come I gotta change the world?! At dinner, Mom tells Dad that nobody dresses up for anything anymore. People look like slobs. Dad agrees that people are too rude, and that there's no respect for anyone. Later, Calvin is standing all dressed up, with his hair combed. He complains why he has to change the world."
"Every Saturday morning is the same. We get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons and eat sugary cereal until we fight, and then Mom throws us out of the house. It never changes. That's what I like about Saturdays too! First one downstairs get to pick the cartoons!"
"Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health. Calvin marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at Susie's paper. Moe beats him up. The water fountain sprays his face. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do."
"WHACK. AAA!! What are you scared of? The ball's not going to bit you. How do YOU know? Calvin tosses a baseball into the air so he can hit it. He swings and hits the ball. It is stuck on his bat, chewing it. Calvin hides up in a tree. Dad asks what he's scared of. The ball isn't going to bite him. Calvin asks how he knows."
"AA! AA! AA! AA! What do you mean, you want a glove for the other hand too? Which word don't you understand? Calvin tosses the ball into the air so he can catch it. It comes down and bites his glove. Later, Dad clarifies that Calvin wants a glove for the other hand, also."
"AAA! CLOMP! How often have I told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard?! Calvin warily approaches the baseball with a bat. He taps the ball with the bat. The ball bites the end of the bat, and Calvin runs off. Later, Dad sees the ball and bat on the ground. He asks how often he's told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard."
"Have you been hitting rocks with this bat? No, why? Look at it. It's chewed up. You should take care of your equipment. The ball did this! It's what I've been trying to tell you! These are fang marks! That ball is berserk! It's deranged! It's a menace! Why do I even bother? Dad asks Calvin if he's been hitting rocks with the bat. Calvin says no. Dad says the bat is all chewed up. Calvin claims the ball did it. He says that's what he's been trying to tell Dad. He says the ball is deranged and a menace. In bed, Calvin asks why he even bothers."
"PHOOOOFF. Wow! Look at the size of that one! bip. Secretly, I was hoping for a deafening explosion. Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches the large bubble drift along. It pops. Calvin says that secretly he was hoping for a deafening explosion."
"FFOOOOFF. FFOOOOF. bip. Calvin blows a soap bubble. It starts to drift off, then stops. It blows back at Calvin. Then, it pops. Calvin isn't sure what just happened."
"What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!"
Aackkk. Ch... ch... ch... chocolate ch-chips... no. And get up off the floor. urgle. Calvin crawls on the floor. He is weak. He reaches forward. Mom is in the kitchen. He weakly calls for chocolate chips. Mom says no and tells Calvin to get up off the floor.
"I'm a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything NEW is GOOD by definition! It can shock, insult, or offend me, so long as it doesn't bore me! If you can't give me something new, then repackage the old so it LOOKS new! Novelty is all that matters! I won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different! I see why timeless truth doesn't sell. Give me a good flash in the pan any day. Calvin is a great believer in the value of novelty. He says anything new is good by definition. He tells Hobbes if you can't give him something new, then repackage the old so it looks new. Novelty is all that matters. He won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different. Hobbes sees why timeless truth doesn't sell. Calvin will take a good flash in the pan any day."
"YAWWNN. YAWWNN. YYAWNN. YAWWNN. One of us should have left the room. Hobbes yawns, then Calvin does. They both yawn. They lie down. Calvin says one of them should have left the room."
"When I was a kid, my Mom would take me to the big old department store downtown, and I used to love riding the escalators. The escalators there had wood stairs, and they used to click, clack, and creak. The wood slats on each step were maybe half an inch apart, and I always wondered if ladies got their high heels stuck and got pulled under. Some of those escalators were very narrow - just wide enough for one person. Yep, those old escalators had a lot more personality than these slick metal ones. I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. Dad tells Calvin that his mom took them to a department store, and that he loved riding the escalators. Dad explains how they sounded, and that he wondered if ladies got their heels stuck and got pulled under. He says the old escalators had more personality than slick, metal ones. Calvin thinks to himself that he hates to think all his current experiences will become stories with no point one day."
"Giving is better than having. When you GET something, it's new and exciting, when you HAVE something, you take it for granted and it's boring. But everything you GET turns into something you HAVE. That's why you always need to get new things. I feel like I'm in some stockholder's dream. 'Waste and want', that's my motto. Calvin says getting is better than having. He says when you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have it, it's boring. Hobbes says everything you get turns into something you have. Calvin says that's why you always need to get new things. Hobbes feels he's in some stockholder's dream. 'Waste and want' is Calvin's motto."
"No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ... Some movie reels are gathered up in Calvin's unconscious. As they prepare to play the movies, the men hope they're better than last night's. The first one is bad. They replace it with another from a different film. It's a suspense movie. They try the third. It's a monster movie. None of the movies make sense. They are out of order. The lights are coming back on. They go back to their stations. Calvin wakes up. He says he had so many strange dreams and wonders what they mean."
I heard that Miss Wormwood isn't here today. Really? Can we go home? Of course not. We have a substitute teacher. Can I send in a substitute student? Susie tells Calvin that Miss Wormwood isn't at school today. Calvin wonders if they can go home. Susie tells him they have a substitute teacher. Calvin asks if he can send a substitute student.