"Calvin, are you slamming doors?! It wasn't me, Mom! I didn't hear anything! LET ME OUT OF HERE, CALVIN, YOU ROTTEN BAG OF BARF! Whee! Our club's finest hour! Where's Susie? Beats me. Maybe she went outside. I'M IN HERE! LET ME OUT! Why, Susie? What were YOU doing in the closet, of all places? He tricked me in there and held the door! Calvin... Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door."
"Susie, your Mom just called and she's walking over to pick you up. Finally! I'll talk you YOU in a few minutes upstairs. Bye Susie! Don't lock yourself in any more closets! We got rid of a slimy girl! What a great day of grossness! This goes in the log book! I'd say some promotions, awards, medals, and advanced degrees are in order! Should we get them before we get in trouble, or after? Mom tells Susie that her mom is home and she will come pick Susie up. Susie is relieved. Mom angrily says she'll talk to Calvin in a few minutes. Calvin tells Susie not to lock herself in any more closets. Calvin and Hobbes run upstairs. Calvin says some promotions and medals are in order. Hobbes asks if they should get them before they get in trouble or after."
"Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, 'Remember'? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. 'Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!' Dad puts his bicycle together. Calvin laughs at Dad in his riding gear. Dad rides along with cars yelling at him. He falls down a hill. Bandaged and bruised, Dad returns home carrying the bicycle. Calvin laughs at him again. In the tub, Dad says the secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse."
"Any monsters under my bed tonight? Maybe, maybe not. You mean, 'definitely yes'? We didn't say that. 'WE'? I mean, 'I'. ..uh.. that is, if there were any of me. Shut up, Winslow. Luckily for me, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry. Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A voice comes out from below the bed, saying maybe, maybe not. Calvin asks if they mean 'definitely yes'. The voice says they didn't say that. Calvin asks if he just heard 'we'. The voice clarifies 'I'. It goes on to say 'if there were any of me'. Another voice says 'shut up, Winslow'. Calvin says luckily for him, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry."
"We don't value craftsmanship any more! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there's no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier, rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! We're not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship! You had two days to write that paper. Two days?! Two days is NOTHING! Calvin decries they don't value craftsmanship anymore. He says ruthless efficiency denies their own humanity. He says there's no pleasure in creating things, if there is no appreciation for grace and beauty. He asks how a person can take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he had two days to write that paper. He claims that's nothing."
"It's hard to know what's important in life. We don't notice the small stuff and we're never prepared for the big stuff. What about the stuf in between? That stuff's boring. Let's hope bumbling along without a clue is important. According to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial. Calvin says it's hard to know what's important in life. They don't notice the small print, and they're never prepared for the big stuff. Hobbes asks what about the stuff in between. Calvin says that's boring. Hobbes says they should hope bumbling along without a clue is important. Calvin says that according to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial."
"Can I get a drink of water? All right, but hurry up. What are YOU doing home?! I prefer OUR water. Calvin asks his teacher if he can get a drink of water. She says it's alright, but he should hurry. Calvin runs down the hallway. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin why he's home. Calvin tells her he prefers their water."
This bad grade is lowering my self-esteem! Then you should work harder so you don't get bad grades. Your denial of my victimhood is lowering my self-esteem! Calvin says the bad grade he got is lowering his self-esteem. Miss Wormwood says he should work harder so he doesn't get bad grades. Calvin claims her denial of his victimhood is lowering his self-esteem.
"I'm the decisive, take-charge type! I'm a natural leader! See, we'll go THIS way! Have fun. The problem is that nobody wants to go where I want to lead them. Calvin tells Hobbes he's a decisive, take-charge type. He says they'll go the way he is pointing. Hobbes goes the other way and tells him to have fun. Crawling through brush and mud, Calvin says the problem is that nobody wants to go where he wants to lead them."
"Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker. On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship."
"What was the significance of the Erie Canal? In the cosmic sense, probably nil. We 'big picture' people rarely become historians. Calvin looks at a test question asking the significance of the Erie Canal. Calvin replies that 'In the cosmic sense, probably nil'. He says 'big picture' people like him rarely become historians."
"Remember when I was first born? I couldn't even turn myself over! My eyes wouldn't focus! I couldn't do anything! Think of all the work it took to develop the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon, top place the tip of it on a page, and to move it in predetermined, coordinated motions! This picture is the result of six years' unrelenting toil! A lifetime of effort went into this! I'm still not paying you $500 for it. It will appreciate! It's an investment! Calvin asks Dad to remember when he was first born. He couldn't turn himself over. He asks Dad to think of all the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon and move it in predetermined, coordinated motions. He shows a picture of a dinosaur and indicates that is the result of six years' unrelenting effort. Dad says he's not paying $500 for it. Calvin implores that it will appreciate. It's an investment."
"Calvin? Calvin! CALVIN! AAUGH! Sorry. My eyes were on screen saver. Calvin is sitting at his desk with his eyes closed. Miss Wormwood calls on him. She calls again. Still no answer, nor any eyes opened. She puts her hands on his desk and calls his name again, loudly. Calvin is startled awake. He tells Miss Wormwood his eyes were on screen saver."
"Right here! Put it here! AAAA! Let's work on your underhand pitches. If you keep running away like that, you won't catch any fouls. Calvin has a baseball glove and calls for the ball. A train comes toward Calvin. Lying on his back with the baseball next to him, Calvin tells Hobbes they'll work on his underhand pitches. Hobbes says if Calvin keeps running like that, he won't catch any fouls."
"Calvin, are you chewing gum in class? Yeth. Do you have enough to share with everybody? Probably. But do you really think they'd want it?? It was HER idea... Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin is chewing gum. He mumbles a reply that he is. She asks if he has enough to share with everybody. Calvin takes a giant wad of gum out of his mouth. He says he probably does, but he asks if she really thinks they want it. In the principal's office, Calvin pleads that it was her idea."
"Ahem. Hi. What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em? Calvin jauntily walks along. He smiles and poses for Mom. She walks by. Grumpily, Calvin continues walking. He asks the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see them."
"I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em! In the bathtub, Calvin is playing with a sailboat. He pretends the man and woman on the boat stop for a swim. Suddenly, the lake is boiling hot. They get out of the water. The couple pulls up anchor, but the boat heads toward.....the waterfall. Calvin turns on the faucet and swamps the boat. The wind picks up, and Calvin gets out of the tub with the sailboat. The wind suddenly stops, and Calvin drops the boat into the toilet. One of the couple says they've somehow landed in another lake. It's a gigantic whirlpool. Calvin flushes the toilet, and down the boat goes. Later, a plumber hands Dad the sailboat. Dad gets charged $150. While he writes the check, Dad angrily says somebody else is going to pay for this, too."
"I think I should stay home from school. I've got a sore throat, an ear ache, a stomach ache, I'm seeing spots, and I'm dizzy. I'll call the doctor. Hold on, I think it's all clearing up! Yes. I think I'm better now. It's pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague, mildly serious, but not quite worrisome symptoms. In bed, Calvin tells Mom he has a sore throat, ear ache, is seeing spots, and is dizzy. Mom offers to call the doctor. Calvin gets out of bed, saying it's all clearing up. While he gets dressed, he says it's hard to hit the magic number of vague, mildly serious, but not worrisome symptoms."
"What a pretty sky today! It's too blue. It needs some red. Red? Just a little right over there. Hang on. That's better. Well I'll be! Looking at the sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too blue. It needs some red. He points up to show Hobbes where it should have some red. He runs off. Later, Calvin is flying a kite. He says that's better, and Hobbes agrees."
"Ah! I got the letter I wrote to myself! What did you write? 'Dear Calvin, Hi! I'm writing this on Monday. What day is it now? How are things going? Your pal, Calvin.' My past self is corresponding with my future self. Too bad you can't write back. Out of the mailbox, Calvin gets a letter he wrote to himself. He reads it to Hobbes. It asks what day it is, since he's writing it on Monday. Calvin says his past self is corresponding with his future self. Hobbes says it's too bad he can't write back."
"I got another letter from my past self. What's it say? 'Dear future Calvin, I wrote this several days before you will receive it. You've done things I haven't done. You've seen things I haven't seen. You know things I don't know. You lucky dog! Your pal, Calvin.' Sniff. I feel so sorry for myself two days ago. Poor him. He wasn't you. Calvin got another letter from his past self. The note reads that the future Calvin has done things the past Calvin hadn't yet done. He calls the future Calvin a lucky dog. Calvin feels sorry for himself two days ago."
"I hate all this wind! Boy, this is unpleasant! Stupid, miserable wind! What a lousy weather! What an awful day! Well if you can't change it, what's the point of griping about it? I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me. Calvin is complaining about the wind to Hobbes. Hobbes asks what the point is in griping about it if you can't change it. Calvin replies he isn't going to let a little wind be more annoying than him."
"Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of 'GQ'! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list. Calvin and Hobbes look at the sky at night. Calvin says to look at the stars. The universe goes on forever and ever. Hobbes says it makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big deal. Calvin thinks about it. They go inside to watch television. Calvin says that's why they stay inside with their appliances."
"This new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a mandibular fitness regime! Basically, they recommend interval training: chewing one piece of gum with lots of reps, followed by chewing five pieces of gum at once, so you can really work the masseter and buccinator muscles. It's a gruelling workout, but you build strength AND endurance, so you can come through in a clincher. I'm sure the glory makes it all worthwhile. Plus, you develop that 'chewer's jaw' that drives the girls wild. Calvin's new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a fitness regime. Calvin says they recommend interval training. He tells Hobbes it's a grueling workout, but you build strength and endurance. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says all the glory makes it all worthwhile. Calvin says you also develop 'chewer's jaw', which drives the girls wild."
"What's with the face? I'm doing stretches. Chewing magazine says you should always warm up before you chew gum. Did you know that neglecting to stretch the temporalis muscles is the leading cause of gum chewing injuries? What about falling down while chewing and walking? With a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small. Calvin's mouth is hanging open. He tells Hobbes he's doing stretches. As he pulls his cheeks and jaws, he says you should warm up before chewing gum. Neglecting to stretch is a leading cause of chewing gum injuries. Hobbes asks about falling down while chewing and walking. Calvin puts on a helmet saying that with a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small."
"In this issue, Chewing reviews the new gum chewing apparel. This jersey is makde with Swet-Tek (R) fibers that wick away perspiration! The mesh collar keeps your sternomastoids ventilated and the zippered pockets hold spare gum and wrappers! Why is it covered with brand logos? That gives you the psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. How can you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself? I'D sure like to be a walking endorsement. Calvin's new Chewing magazine reviews gum chewing apparel. There is a jersey that wicks away perspiration. There is a mesh collar for ventilation and zippered pockets to hold spare gum. Hobbes asks why it's covered with logos. Calvin says that gives a psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. Hobbes wonders how you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself."
"I need to get a heart rate monitor. What for? To make sure I'm chewing at my aerobic threshold! Every day I want to see that I'm chewing more gum faster, harder, and longer! What's the point of attaching a number to everything you do? If your numbers go up, it means you're having more fun. Sciece to the spirit's rescue once again. Calvin says he needs a heart rate monitor to make sure he's chewing at his aerobic threshold. He wants to see he's chewing more gum, faster, harder, and longer. Hobbes asks the point of attaching a number to everything you do. Calvin says if your numbers go up, you're having more fun. Hobbes calls it science to the spirit's rescue once again."
"WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?! THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I'VE GOT!! AAAAAAA. Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths. Calvin is sitting at his desk. Suddenly, he asks what he's doing in there on a beautiful day. He says this is the only life he has. He runs off. Miss Wormwood returns him to his desk, saying to try a drink of water and a few deep breaths next time."
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid! Calvin shows Hobbes a trickle of water running through some dirt. He says their afternoon just got booked solid.