"Look Hobbes, this is my retirement fund. A comic book? This is the issue where they introduce the arch-villain 'Deathmeister'! In a few years, a rare mint copy of this will be worth millions of dollars! Needless to say, I bought five copies, sealed them in airtight plastic bags, and put them in a box in the closet, where the light and humidity won't affect their precious pages! How will these be rare and valuable if every kid in America has five copies? We're all counting on the other guy's Mom to throw them away. Calvin shows Hobbes his retirement fund. It's a comic book where they introduce the archvillain 'Deathmeister'. Calvin says a mint copy of this will be worth millions. Calvin bought five copies, sealed them in airtight bags, and put them in the closet so light and humidity won't affect the pages. Hobbes asks how rare they will be if every kid in America has five copies. Calvin replies they're all counting on the other guys' mom to throw them away."
"If I had a computer, I'm sure I'd get better grades on my book reports. You'd still have to read the book and tell the computer what you want to say, you know. Man, what's all the fuss about computers?! Calvin tells Dad that if he had a computer, he'd get better grades on book reports. Dad says he'd still have to read the books and tell the computer what you want to say. Dejectedly, Calvin wonders what all the fuss is about computers."
"Want to buy my latest invention? What is it? It's a writer's block! You put it on your desk and you can't write there any more! I must be years ahead of my time. Calvin pushes a box and asks Hobbes if he'd like to buy Calvin's latest invention. Calvin says it's a writer's block. You put in on top of the desk, then you can't write there anymore. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he must be years ahead of his time."
"What's the matter, honey? You look down in the dumps. I don't have a hairy chest. Mom says some babes don't care. Thptpbt! Right. Mom asks Calvin why he looks down in the dumps. Calvin says he doesn't have a hairy chest. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom says some babes don't care. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and says 'right'."
"Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight. Spaceman Spiff lands on a bizarre planet. A mysterious mist arises out of nowhere. Spiff can't see a thing. At school, Calvin is at his desk. Miss Wormwood is explaining a math problem. Calvin says our hero's in a total fog. He says the atmosphere is a powerful sedative. Spiff can't keep his eyes open. Miss Wormwood stands by his desk"
"Sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up. Hobbes is lying on the floor. He gets up suddenly, runs off, his tail fluffed out. Calvin watches him and comments that sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up."
"Today for 'Show and Tell', I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it! It's a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You'll never, EVER know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I'll never end your torment! I'll carry my secret to the grave! It's the show and tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA! Everybody wants the same old thing. Calvin tells the class he refuses to show what he brought for 'show and tell'. He says it's a mystery that will haunt them all their miserable lives. They can beg, but he won't end their torment. He says he'll take his secret to the grave. It's the show and tell that was never shown or told. He laughs. Marching to the principal's office, Calvin says everybody wants the same old thing."
"Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars! Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting. I see. Nicely put, dear. Calvin tells Dad he should smoke cigars. They're all the rage. Mom walks by and says flatulence could be all the rage, but it still would be disgusting. Calvin understands. Dad tells Mom that was nicely put."
"A box of new crayons! Now they're all pointy, lined up in order, bright and perfect! Soon they'll be a bunch of ground-down, rounded, indistinguishable stumps, missing their wrappers and smudged with other colors. Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic. Calvin has a box of new crayons. They're all pointy, bright, and perfect. He says soon they'll be ground down, rounded stumps. They'll be missing their wrappers. He looks at the crayons and says sometimes life seems unbearably tragic."
"OK, that's plenty of television. Turn it off. I'll mope and whine and argue! I'll get in the way! I'll get in trouble! I'll tear around! You won't have a moments peace if you make me turn off the TV! I noticed she had to think about it. Mom tells Calvin to turn the television off. Calvin says he'll mope and whine. He'll tear around and get in trouble. He says she won't have a moment's peace if she makes him turn off the TV. Mom kicks Calvin out the door. He says he noticed she had to think about it."
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak with the chief of police. Hello, chief? Is it a LAW that your socks have to match anything else you're wearing? HEY MOM, LISTEN TO THIS! On the phone, Calvin wants to speak to the chief of police. When the chief comes on, Calvin asks if it's a law your socks have to match anything else you're wearing. Calvin holds the phone away from himself and yells for Mom to come hear this."
"How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it? Calvin is peacefully eating his lunch of a sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Suddenly, Hobbes jumps onto the table. He growls at Calvin. They fight. Finally, Hobbes sits at the table peacefully eating the sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Dirty and scratched from his battle with Hobbes, Calvin tells Mom he's still hungry. Mom says she fixed him a nice lunch. He can wait until dinner."
"Watcha doin'? Looking for frogs. How come? I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. Ah, but of course. My mandate also includes weird bugs. Calvin is looking for frogs. He tells Hobbes he must obey the inscrutable exhortations of his soul. Hobbes understands. Calvin says his mandate also includes weird bugs."
"You just struck out for the next five innings. But it didn't get me! Hobbes pitches a ball to Calvin. Calvin sees the ball has teeth, so he swings several times at the ball. Hobbes tells him he just struck out for the next five innings. Exhausted, Calvin says at least the ball didn't get him."
"I think angels are everywhere. You do? They're on calendars, books, greeting cards... almost every product imaginable. What a spiritual age we live in. Calvin thinks angels are everywhere. He tells Hobbes they're on calendars, books, greeting cards. Almost every product imaginable. Hobbes says they live in a spiritual age."
"I like to set kites free. Calvin launches a kite. He looks at it in the sky, then he lets loose of the string. He walks back, saying he likes to set kites free."
"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we can speak. Probably so we can think twice. Calvin tells Hobbes that sometimes when he's talking, his words can't keep up with his thoughts. He wonders why they think faster than they can speak. Hobbes guesses it's probably so they can think twice."
"Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes. Calvin finds a remote control gizmo in a drawer. He wonders what it does and clicks it. He drops down a tube to see Mom and Dad in a control room with a spacecraft. Mom and Dad are dressed in superhero costumes. Calvin stands in the living room looking at Mom and Dad. He sighs."
"FREE! Ha ha! This walk goes to MY house. I know that. Hopping off the school bus, Calvin says he's free. Susie follows Calvin. He notices her behind him and says this walk goes to his house. Susie replies that she knows. Calvin runs and Susie chases him."
"YOUR house is over there. Want me to draw you a map of how to get there? Obviously I'm not GOING to my house. It's a lot MORE obvious that you're not coming to MY house! I have to stay here until my Mom gets home. WHAT?! Says who?? My Mom and your Mom! You think I made this up? You think I want to be here?? Well, it's my Mom's rule that you can sit in our yard, but you can't come in the house. Your Mom didn't say that! Calvin tells Susie her house is the other way. She isn't going to her house. Calvin tells her she can't come to his house. Susie says she has to stay with him until her mom gets home. She says their moms agreed to it. Susie isn't happy about it any more than Calvin is. Calvin informs Susie that she can sit in the yard, but she can't come into the house. Susie contends Calvin's mom didn't say that."
"Let me in! Your Mom said I could stay here! No! Go away! You can wait in a tree! I'm telling! HELLO? HELLO? CALVIN WON'T LET ME IN! AAUGH! shh! shhh! OK, OK! In fact, heh heh heh, why don't you go in ahead of me? I just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for you! Don't be scared! Yeah, I'm trembling. I'll just step way, way back here! Calvin and Susie are fighting about her waiting in Calvin's house. Susie yells that Calvin won't let him in. Suddenly, Calvin pushes her next to the door. He just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for her. Susie starts to open the door. Calvin runs back away from her."
"Is this your 'big orange surprise'? Doggone it, Hobbes! Didn't you pounce?! Here's your tiger. He was by the door. WHAT'S WITH THE TIE?! Hello, Susie. Come on in. My Mom didn't call and say I could go home yet, did she? YOU DRESSED UP FOR A GIRL??!"
"Would you care for a snack, Susie? Um, OK. Thank you. Well? What have you got to say for yourself? When one entertains female friends, one should try not to look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Who's entertaining?! Who's a female friend? Who looks seedy?! A spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes! Tigers have a natual flair for causal chic! I can't believe this. Why didn't you kill her when she came in the door?! By the way, if you had made proper introductions, we might have smooched her hand. Here, let me adjust the narrow end of your tie about eight inches. Mom offers Susie a snack. Calvin asks Hobbes what he has to say for himself. Hobbes says that when entertaining female friends, one shouldn't look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Calvin wonders who's entertaining and who looks seedy. Hobbes thinks a spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes. Calvin asks why Hobbes didn't kill her when she came through the door. Hobbes tells Calvin that if he had made proper introductions, he might have smooched her hand. Calvin reaches toward Hobbes offering to adjust the narrow end of his tie about eight inches."
"What happened to YOU? Hobbes and I had a frank exchange of ideas. What are you doing? Homework?? I wasn't sure I understood this chapter, so I reviewed my notes from the last chapter and now I'm rereading this. You do all that WORK?! Well, now I understand it. Huh! I used to think you were smart. Calvin walks past Susie all scratched. Susie asks what happened. Calvin says he and Hobbes had a frank exchange of ideas. Calvin asks what she's doing. Susie tells him she wasn't sure she understood a chapter of her school work, so she reviewed her notes from the last chapter and is rereading the book. Calvin asks if she does all that work. Calvin walks away saying he used to think she was smart."
"What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken. Calvin is home from school. Hobbes sees him from the window and prepares to pounce. Calvin stops at the door. Inside, Hobbes wonders what's happening. Calvin sits on the steps. Hobbes lies down. Calvin continues to wait outside. Hobbes falls asleep. When Calvin hears Hobbes snoring, he opens the door. He is pounced upon by Hobbes. Hobbes gives Calvin a definition of 'cat nap'."
"Where's Susie? She's in the living room doing her homework. NOW? She's not putting it off until bedtime? She says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she goes home! Wow, it's like science fiction or something. 'The Gender from Outer Space'! Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is doing her homework. Hobbes wonders why she doesn't put it off until bedtime. Calvin informs him that she says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she gets home. Hobbes thinks this is like science fiction. Calvin calls it 'The Gender From Outer Space'."
"This emergency meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will come to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Oyez! Oyez! As we're all aware, the enemy has infiltrated our territory and is spreading disinformatio to the effect that homework ought to be done right after school! As my Mom may have covert girl sympathies, we must eradicate the hostile forces! Any questions? Yes, could we poke some air holes in here? Too risky. The box of secrecy must remain secure! Calvin calls an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.S. under a box in his bedroom. Calvin says they've been infiltrated by the enemy who is spreading disinformation that homework ought to be done right after school. Calvin says though Mom has covert girl sympathies, they must eradicate the hostile forces. He asks if there are questions. Hobbes asks if they can put some air holes in the box. Calvin says the box of secrecy must remain secure."
"OK, we both understand the secret plan? Got it. But what about a secret code? A secret code? This secret plan doesn't need a secret code. Ahem. 'Section IV, Article 12"
"Hey! I can't get out! I'm stuck! Help! Calvin? Susie, I'm trapped in the hall closet! Open the door! let me out! Help! Help! Hurry! Quick! I'm in the closet! Open the door and get me out of... SLAM HEY! YES! Susie hears Calvin's voice in the closet saying he can't get out. She opens the door and goes in, only to find a tape recorder playing Calvin's message. Calvin and Hobbes slam the closet door shut."