"In two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish HE'D thought of putting snow in his thermos. Calvin opens his lunch. He pours out the contents of his Thermos bottle and starts making snowballs. He readies his throw and says in two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish he'd thought of putting snow in his Thermos."
"Ahem. WAA! I HATE, I JUST HATE RETRACTABLE CLAWS!! So are you through reading this? Calvin is reading a comic book. Hobbes sneaks up behind Calvin and says 'ahem'. Calvin is startled and jumps up. He says he just hates retractable claws."
"CALVIN! Calvin looks at a fire hydrant. He starts making a snowman. Mom yells when she sees he made a snow dog with a leg lifted, standing next to the fire hydrant."
"If a groundhog sees his shadow today, we'll have six more weeks of winter. So yell if you see one. Calvin tells Hobbes that if a groundhog sees his shadow today, they'll have six more weeks of winter. He tells Hobbes to yell if he sees one. Calvin is armed with a lamp, connected to several extension cords."
"Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep, his day is done. Lying here, 'twas warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: his brain is now completely cooked! Hobbes is lying on the ground. Calvin says a poem about a tiger sprawling in the sun, his day done. It was warmth he sought, the sun making his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked, his brain is now completely cooked. Calvin laughs and walks off. Hobbes crouches, ready to pounce."
"Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!! Calvin sees a door he doesn't remember. Something looking like Mom opens the door and gives Calvin some breakfast. He retreats, saying it's not his Mom. It says it is and says to eat his oatmeal. Calvin says this isn't his house, and she's not his Mom. He looks out the window to see a cage. He's in a lab, with giant aliens. One has a puppet of Mom on his hand. Calvin says they're trying to get him to imprint on his own species before they return him to the wild. The aliens complain about a loss of their funding since Calvin is on to them. Calvin wakes up. At breakfast, Mom gives him some oatmeal. He demands she prove she's his Mom."
"One of my baby teeth came out. I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head. One of Calvin's baby teeth comes out. He looks at it and says he's not entirely comfortable holding a piece of his own head."
"Mom says the tooth fairy might give me 50 cents for this tooth. Wow! So I got an idea. poured plaster over this tooth to make a mold, and now I'm casting duplicate teeth. I'll put one under the pillow every night, and by the end of the year, I'll have over 150 dollars! Do you think the tooth fairy will believe your mouth had 300 teeth in it? If she'd rather have an old tooth than 50 cents, how bright can she be? Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him the tooth fairy might give him fifty cents for his baby tooth. Calvin got an idea to pour plaster over the tooth to make a mold. Now he's casting duplicate teeth. He'll put one under the pillow every night. By the end of the year, he'll have over $150. Hobbes asks if he thinks the tooth fairy will think he had 300 teeth in his mouth. Calvin asks how bright she can be if she'd rather have an old tooth than fifty cents."
"Look at this hilarious cartoon I drew! See, this snowman is in a snow car and he says, 'Darn it, the engine froze up!' Ha ha ha ha! Get it?? But if the car is made of snow, the engine would MELT if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run. Calvin shows Hobbes a cartoon he drew. Calvin explains that it shows a snowman in a car saying 'Darn it, the engine froze up'. Calvin laughs. Hobbes says if the car is made of snow, the engine would melt if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run. Calvin crumples up the paper and frowns."
"As I have created you, so I can destroy you! Therefore, in recognition of my supreme power, you must worship me! Yes, bow before the mighty Calvin and tremble, for I am the eternal, all knowing... PAFF Calvin makes a snowman bowing down to him. Calvin tells him that as he created the snowman, he can destroy it. He says in recognition of his power, the snowman must worship him. He tells the snowman to bow before mighty Calvin. He is the eternal, all knowing.... Susie smacks him from behind with a snowball."
"PIFF. I didn't do it! I never threw that! You can't prove I threw it! Besides, I MISSED, didn't I? The defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds that his lawyer is incompetent. Susie is just missed by a snowball. Calvin says he didn't do it. She can't prove he did it. Then he says that besides, he missed. Lying in the snow, Calvin says the defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds his lawyer is incompetent."
"Hello? Is your mother there? Who's calling?? Is this about ME?! 'cause if it is, I didn't DO it! You got NOTHING on me, understand?! You can't prove ANYthing! I tell you I'm innocent! Just give up! You'll never get me! Oh, here Mom, it's for you. Hi, can I call you back? Go ahead and talk. I cleared it. It's cool. Calvin answers the phone. Someone asks if his Mom is home. Calvin asks who's calling. He says if this call is about him, he didn't do it. They have nothing on him. They can't prove anything. He says they'll never get him. He" hands the phone to Mom. She asks if she can call the person back. Calvin is standing near her saying it's okay to talk. He cleared it. It's cool.
"Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide. Calvin makes a snowball and runs off. He hides behind a tree, waiting. He keeps waiting, and waiting. Finally, he throws the snowball at the tree and walks off. SMACK! Susie hits him with a snowball and laughs at him. Calvin angrily shakes his fist to the sky."
"Mmm... somebody's having a fire. I love the smell of a fire on a cold winter day. Isn't it strange how smells are so evocative, but we can't describe them. Oh, I dunno. That fire has a snorky, brambish smell. I should have known animals would have words for smells. It's a little brunky, but low humidity affects that. Standing outside with Hobbes, Calvin detects the aroma of someone having a fire. He loves the smell of a fire on a winter day. He says it's strange how smells are so evocative, but they can't describe them. Hobbes says the fire has a snorky, brambish smell. Calvin should have known animals would have words for smells. Hobbes says it's a little brunky, but the low humidity affects that."
"You're telling me that animals have their own words for specific smells? Well sure. OK, what's the word for how wet leaves smell? 'Snippid.' What's the word for how I smell? 'Terrible.' Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Calvin asks Hobbes if animals have their own words for specific smells. Hobbes says sure. Calvin asks what the word is for how wet leaves smell. Hobbes replies 'snippid'. Calvin asks what the word is for how he smells. Hobbes says 'terrible'. Hobbes laughs and runs off."
"Graphic violence in the media. Does it glamorize violence? Sure. Does it desensitize us to violence? Of course. Does it help us tolerate violence? You bet. Does it stunt our empathy for our fellow beings? Heck yes. Does it CAUSE violence? ... well that's hard to prove. The trick is to ask the right question. Calvin watches television and talks about the graphic violence in the media. He asks if it desensitizes them to violence, help them tolerate violence, glamorize violence, and stunt their empathy for fellow beings. He thinks they're all true. But he says it's hard to prove it causes violence. He continues to happily watch television, saying the trick is to ask the right question."
"Most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, so that's why I'm writing my autobiography. Does your magnanimity know no bounds? Genius has its obligations. Hey, how do you spell 'boogers'? Calvin tells Hobbes that since most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, he is going to write his autobiography. He says genius has its obligations. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin asks him how to spell 'boogers'."
"I no longer wish to be called a 'boy'. Isn't that what you are? Yes. But I find that term demeaning and sexist. What do you want to be called then? A 'chromosomally advantaged youth'. That may not catch on. Calvin says he no longer wants to be called a 'boy'. Hobbes asks if that isn't what he is. Calvin says he finds that term demeaning and sexist. Hobbes asks what he wants to be called. Calvin replies 'a chromosomally advantaged youth'. Hobbes isn't sure that will catch on."
"Ahh, what could be better than a Saturday 6-mile run at dawn in 20-degree weather... ...followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and some dry toast! How about some dried-up prunes and a root canal? Dried prunes! Do we hasve some?? Dad puts on a sweater and asks what could be better than a Saturday six mile run at dawn in twenty degree weather. He goes into the kitchen and says the run would be followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and dry toast. With eyes squinted from sleep, Calvin walks by and says what about dried-up prunes and a root canal. Happily, Dad asks if they have some dried prunes."
"Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice. Calvin looks back and off they go, down the hill on the toboggan. Through the trees, snow flying around, just missing a tree. Blackness, with pained sounds follows. Upside down in the air, followed by blackness and more sounds of pain. In the tree branches, followed by sounds of pain and blackness. Calvin is upside down in the snow. He says that was the best ride ever. Hobbes, also in the snow, says he kept closing his eyes. He suggests they do it again."
"With sheer brain power, I will force this sled to carry me up the hill! But until I decide to do that, I'll walk! Calvin sits on his sled. He says with sheer brain power, he will force the sled to carry him up the hill. He sits there, arms crossed. He continues to sit. Finally, he pulls the sled up the hill, saying that until he decides to do that, he'll walk."
"I wonder why people are never content with what they have. Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content! Forget I ever said anything. Now if TIGERS weren't content, that would be something to wonder about. Calvin asks Hobbes why people aren't content with what they have. Hobbes says people's fingernails are a joke, they have no fangs, they can't see at night, their pink hides are ridiculous, and they don't have tails. That's why people aren't content. Calvin says to forget he said anything. Hobbes says if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about."
"I like homework. I don't want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants. Smiling, Calvin says he likes homework. As he starts to do it, he says he doesn't want to go outside. He wants to do math problems. BLEHHH! Calvin hangs his tongue out. He says his brain always rejects attitude transplants."
"Look at how people are portrayed in comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews and bimbos. And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insiduous social programming IS this?! No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting models in the funnies! Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats! Calvin shows Dad how people are portrayed in comic strips. He says women are whiners, shrews, and bimbos. Men are morons, drinkers, and goof-offs. Everyone is incompetent. Calvin wants to know what kind of social programming this is. He demands politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies. Dad says we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin says look, all the kids are obnoxious brats."
"Wouldn't it be cool if you sneezed and the spray from your nose instantly froze? You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze! ... Well, I think it would be cool. People wonder why cats are solitary. Calvin asks if it wouldn't be cool if you sneezed and spray from your nose instantly froze. You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze. Calvin walks after Hobbes, saying he thinks it would be cool. Hobbes says people wonder why cats are solitary."
"CALVIN, STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE! The law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. CALVIN! As Calvin runs, he hears someone yell to stop running through the house. Calvin stops. He says the law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. He starts running again."
"How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want."
VROOOOMM BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP SPLUTCHH. Ack! Not so much! Not so much! I hate this stuff! Pipe down and eat. Mom backs a front-loading tractor. It dumps a load down. She puts food on Calvin's plate. He tells her he hates that stuff and not to put so much on.
"What happened in Concord in 1775? Le'ts be honest. You're asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago?? I'm a kid. I don't know what's going on NOW. I don't have a shred of context for any of this. It's hopeless, Miss Wormwood, hopeless. We both try to demoralize each other. Calvin looks at a test question about what happened in Concord in 1775. Calvin writes that he relies on the bus driver to find his own house from school. Concord could be on Neptune for all he knows. He says he's a kid. How should he know what happened 220 years ago? He doesn't have context for the question. He writes to Miss Wormwood that it's hopeless. He says they both try to demoralize each other."