"Why, look! You made your bed without even being told to! That's wonderful, Calvin! Gee, your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah, that's the reason I usually don't. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations."
"Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent."
"There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! 'Sunny and warmer today, high in the upper thirties ... ' Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together, a veritable fist of defiance, we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!"
Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what you're learning from this. I'm learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
"I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination."
"Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!"
"This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that."
"I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases."
"OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's 'good' list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS."
"Very grim, Calvin. You're still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it, Calvin. Gagpth! I'm free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... It's your fault we didn't have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here."
"When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?"
"Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME, then?"
"Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!"
"EWW! What's THIS disgusting stuff?! It's spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if they're too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Hey, I LIKE it!"
"Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control."
"I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk."
"Want to help me write a book? Sure. What's it about? Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book, I have a flame thrower!"
"Still and quiet feline form, in the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh..."
"Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. That's nice. Now, I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!"
"Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called 'Dopey Dad'. So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, 'It's bed time for YOU, young man!' Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!"
"What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no, not again! That's what you hear EVERY night! Let's read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST."
OK boys, have we loaded everything? Ah, there's still the matter of this Calvin, sir. His list is 30 pages long, not including the supplement about incendiary weapons. The research dept. thought you should handle this one personally. Well, is he naughty or nice? Ah, a bit problematic, chief... here's his dossier. Ohhh yes, the 'noodle incident' kid... That was a while ago, boss. he says he was framed, and we've had trouble verifying the particulars. Accounts seem to vary. What about all these slushballs thrown at the girl down the street? My my my! No dispute there. Surveillance documents some 400 incidents, but the kid claims extenuating circumstances. Hmm... don't they all. A tiger vouches for the kid's character... says the kid tries to be sort of good if he's not tempted otherwise. What do his parents say? Here's the Dad's comments. We're looking into the sarcasm factor. all right. I've made up my mind. Is the boy asleep yet? Ah, no. He's wide awake. Santa won't come until we're asleep, you know. I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE! One of Santa's elves wants him to look at Calvin's list. It includes a supplement on incendiary weapons. Santa asks if Calvin's naughty or nice. The elf hands Santa the dossier. Santa notices 'the noodle incident'. The elf says they"
"ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!"
"Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time."
"How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow."
"Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death."