"Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone! Spaceman Spiff crashes. The atmosphere is hardly breathable. Spiff looks for life, but notices a gelatinous blob of muck coming after him. His blaster is useless. He tries to escape, but the stench envelops him. Calvin is playing with his food. Susie tells him to leave the cafeteria's tapioca alone if he doesn't like it."
"Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh, come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun. Calvin laments the end of summer. He knows there is toil and drudgery ahead. Hobbes reminds him he spent half the summer vacation complaining about being bored. Thus reminded, Calvin figures he must have been delirious from having so much fun."
"I can't believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! I'll never be able to write that much! It's not fair!! How's it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV? Calvin is complaining he has homework already. He has to write a whole paragraph about what he did over the summer. He says he'll never be able to write that much. He laments how unfair it is. With Hobbes sitting at the table, Calvin asks how it's coming. Hobbes says not so good. He needs to know what else Calvin did besides watch TV."
"In soccer, you can't touch the ball with your hands or arms. See, you can use any other part of your body ... even your head! Yeah, but your face?? Doesn't that that hurt? Rrrrghh! That's not what I meant to do! Calvin is explaining to Hobbes how to play soccer. He kicks the ball and says you can use any body part except hands or arms. Calvin says you can even use your head. After the ball hits, Hobbes asks if using his face doesn't hurt."
"I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No, I don't think violence would be justified. Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did? Calvin poses a hypothetical question to Hobbes. He wonders if a kid at school called him a nasty name, should he kick him in the shins? Hobbes says no, the violence would be unjustified. Calvin then asks another hypothetical question. What if he already did?"
I've decided to grow a beard Mom. A long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. That's nice Calvin. You go ahead and do that. I thought she'd put up more of a fuss than that.
"How about these pants, Mom? Can I get these? Good heavens, look at the price! I don't have pants that cost this much! And you'll grow right out of these! Honestly, why would any kid need designer clothes?? 'Babes.' Babes, Mom. I gotta look cool. At the department store, Calvin asks Mom if he can get a particular pair of pants. Mom looks at it and says they're too expensive. She says he'll grow right out of them, too. She wonders why any kid needs designer clothes. Calvin replies, 'Babes'. Calvin has to look cool."
"Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window. In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window."
"Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive. Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive."
"Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!! Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out."
"If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue. Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue."
"Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I 'borrowed' from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent. Moe gives Calvin the quarter he 'borrowed' from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent."
"Hi, Dad, it's me! Calvin, is this important? I'm very busy this morning. I'll make it fast, Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye. Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks Dad if he could pick up some topsoil and grass seed on his way home. Dad agrees. Calvin walks off with a pick and shovel over his shoulder, dirt all over him. Dad sits frozen with his hand on the telephone after hanging up."
"Ring Ring. Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal. Calvin answers the ringing telephone. He tells the person he wants to order a large anchovy pizza. The person on the phone is puzzled. Calvin says they must have dialed the wrong number and hangs up. Calvin walks off saying he tries to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
"Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these 'walks' always end up as 'rides'? oh, you need the exercise more anyway. The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway."
"What are you doing? Being 'cool.' You look more like you're being bored. The world bores you when you're cool. Calvin is leaning against a tree when Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's being 'cool'. Hobbes says he looks more like he's bored. Calvin replies that 'The world bores you when you're cool'."
"Look, I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be 'cool.' A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people don't wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being 'cool' if you can't wear a sombrero? Hobbes, wearing a sombrero, joins Calvin in being 'cool'. Calvin yells that cool people don't wear sombreros, that nobody wears sombreros. Hobbes trudges off wondering what the fun of being 'cool' is if you can't wear a sombrero."
"I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be 'cool' in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid. Hobbes is back, this time wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Hobbes knows he'll be 'cool' in those pants. They have big, yellow buttons. Calvin tells Hobbes that he looks like an idiot. Hobbes thinks maybe he's new wave. Calvin still thinks Hobbes is just stupid."
"Here comes Susie. I'm going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow! Calvin sees Susie coming. He throws a pine cone at her. Suddenly, the pine cone comes whizzing back at Calvin and smacks him. Susie walks down the street carrying her lacrosse stick."
"Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Let's play something else. Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin jumps on Hobbes to tackle him. He continues to try to bring Hobbes down, without success, while Hobbes walks down the field and scores a touchdown. Calvin wants to play something else."
"Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed, how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm! Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed. Three replies of no come from beneath the bed. Calvin then asks how big they would be if there were any monsters. He gets a reply saying very small and to go to sleep. Calvin yells for Mom."
"I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head."
"With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote 'Help I'm a bug' on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange. Calvin, the human insect, advances the paper in the typewriter. For proper medical treatment, he needs to type a legible message to his family. He jumps from key to key. Mom wonders who typed 'Help, I'm a bug' on her note to Grandma."
"Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me, Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks. Calvin is in the bathtub. He goes back and forth, back and forth. He creates a tidal wave. When Mom comes in to see the flood covered with water, Calvin offers the idea that the seal around the tub leaks."
"What's this music? It's 'The 1812 Overture.' I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring! Calvin asks what music Hobbes is listening to. Hobbes replies 'The 1812 Overture'. Calvin says the percussion section is interesting. Hobbes tells him those are cannons. Calvin mentions that they perform in crowded concert halls. He thought classical music was boring."
"Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here. Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring 'It's Miller time'."
"Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was. While taking a test, Calvin asks Susie what 12 + 7 is. Susie tells him a billion. Calvin realizes that can't be right, since that's what Susie said 3 + 4 was."
"I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on! Calvin tells Hobbes he's just read a great science fiction story. He says it's about machines who take control of humans and make them zombie slaves. Hobbes clarifies by stating that instead of us controlling machines, they control us. He says that's a scary idea. Calvin agrees, then notices his TV show is on."
"Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz, yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley. The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley."
"Tomorrow we're going to discuss 'current events' in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. 'Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone.' Actually, there's not much left to explain."