"Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian."
"Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!"
Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
"Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!"
"The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet."
"I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching."
Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
"Help me with this homework, OK? What's 6+3? 6+3, eh? Well, this one is a bit tricky. First, we'll call the answer 'Y', as in 'Y do we care?' Now, Y may be a square number, so we'll draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we'll measure the diagonal. I don't remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesn't know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK, here, I'll draw a bigger square."
"Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!"
"Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!"
"I'm home. How was your meeting with Calvin's teacher? Well, when we got to the classroom, we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class, and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their child's seat. That's a cute idea. Did you find Calvin's picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there."
"Calvin, I... YIKE!! You're home! I didn't even finish pack... that is, um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesn't like me! She hates little boys! It's not MY fault! I'M not to blame! She told you about the noodles, right? It wasn't me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldn't do anything like that! I'm innocent, I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didn't say noodles."
"OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!"
"A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!"
"In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5!"
"Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!"
"How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!"
"I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your 'A' is really an 'F'! That must be it! I win the bet!"
"How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me."
"Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off!"
"So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product!"
"Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved 'Chocolate frosted sugar bombs'! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME."
"Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks."
"Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called 'Father knows zilch'."
"What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!"