"Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool."
"ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan."
"The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! .. our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.. To survive, Spiff must... ...find... food! Spiff follows a scavenger mordon! Perhaps there's a fresh kill nearby! Ughhh! The stench! Our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot! But the grasses are indigestible! The fruit is poisonous! There's nothing to eat at all! Weak and despairing, Spiff peers into a frozen geyser pit! What's down there? Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! That's not very healthy. I only need to survive until I escape, our hero mutters grimly."
"Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings."
"You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up."
"MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!"
"Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will 'roll' toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?"
"You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?"
"Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!"
'"Once upon a time there was...' Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... 'Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story.' Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?"
"What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!"
"What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom."
"I love fall. I like the cool days, the smell of leaves, the low sunlight... and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red! I dunno... I think autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two, everything will be hunkered down for the long, bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse. If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted. I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too! Mm-mm!"
"Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!"
"Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, 'Simplify, Simplify'. Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way."
"Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes."
"Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO."
"Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it."
"How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant."
"Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement."
"OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also 'program' him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?"