"Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?"
"I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?"
"I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!"
"DING DONG. I'm coming, I'm coming. AAAA! I OPENED THE DOOR AND MY BIKE GOT IN!! HELLPP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! IT'S AN UNBALANCED BICYCLE!! SOMEBODY GET ME A SPOKE WRENCH! Hehh hoo hehh hoo. BACK! BACK! SLAM. Ha! You can't get me now! AIEE! TIRE TRACKS ON THE RUGS! OIL ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THAT KID?! Someday the neighbors will look out and wonder why there's a grown up man wearing a kid's clothes on our roof."
"Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by."
"Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har."
"When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first."
"Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see."
"Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway."
"Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!"
"I ordered the two tons of tenderloin. Oh yes. Drive around to the loading dock and I'll get the forklift. Calvin, lunchtime! Mayounnaise?! I like mustard! Maybe you should fix your OWN triceratops sandwich."
"Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff"
"The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL 'someone else' to someone else."
"Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable."
"Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes."
"... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job."
"I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry."
"Look, a snake! A big one! You think it's poisonous? Beats me. How can you tell? If it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. Har har. Look how it glides along. It's almost like a liquid. I wonder how they do that. He's flicking his tongue out. I think that's how they smell, but why would they smell with a tongue? Do snakes have eyelids? Do they sleep with their eyes open? Don't snakes eat mice? How could a snake swallow something bigger than its own head? Heck, we don't know ANYTHING about snakes. Maybe your Mom would get us a book. Yeah, let's go see! We'll be experts! We'll learn all there is to know! Hey, wait a minute! It's summer! I'm on vacation! I don't want to LEARN anything! If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun. Hmm... you really think so? Cooooooll."
"Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house..."
"This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress."
"Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."
"Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that."
"Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity."
"This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!"
"Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something."
"OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it 'The Hobbes Fan Club'! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like 'The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club'! I still like my idea better."
"I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President."
"Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! 'Slimy girls'?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean."
"I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!"