"Calvin, come out from wherever you are hiding and take your bath! DO YOU HEAR ME, CALVIN?! I MEAN NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it was MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept."
"Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page writeup! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?"
"I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs 'Buzzy the Hummingbird' doll!"
"County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read."
"Ugh, I hate going to the subconscious. Me too! Why doesn't anyone ever clean this dump? Here's a movie reel. I suppose it's as good as any. I grabbed these two. Let's get them back to central cognition. W can run this reel first. I hope these are ebtter than last night's movies. Hurry up! The lights are dimming! Help me thread the projector! Yikes, this is awful! Where did you guys FIND this? Oops, the next reel isn't even from the same film. Good! Put it on! This one is even worse! I guess it's some sort of suspense movie. Why can't we ever watch anything good? Maybe YOU should get the movies next time! AUGH! Monsters! Monsters! Turn it off! Too"
"Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00."
"Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!"
"What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it."
"Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!"
"OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime."
"The fearless Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, gazes across the forbidding landscape of an uncharted planet! What dangers lie ahead for our hero? What horrible aliens inhabit this world? What strange adventures await the intrepid Spiff? What bizarre occurrence will our hero be the first to witness? The suspense! ...Our hero chucks a few rocks. ...sighhh... If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to MAKE some! Now yer talkin'!"
"This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush."
"A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it."
"Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!"
"OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!"
"With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else."
"There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!"
"Bwa ha ha ha ee hee hee hee hee ehh heh heh heh ... a little more... a little more... PFOOSH! AAA! I won't fill this one so full. There! Perfect! heh heh. Dark knot! Ackk blpp! Stop it! Pbtt! It's too slippery! Ackpth! Blp! Now look, it's almost empty! I'll have to fill it again. Stupid balloon. ...a little more... ah! Perfect! IT SLIPPED OFF! FWOOSH."
There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
"All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!"
"While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!"
"No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!"
"Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that."
"Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive."
"Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again."
"Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!"
"Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid."